Roy Keane fails in bid to avert strike action

Roy Keane was in his usual quirky mood this evening following on from his Ipswich sides comprehensive 1-0 defeat of Derby County. The result hammered home Keanes’ managerial qualities and finally silenced his doubters with this; his sides first win in 15, which leaves them rooted to the bottom of the division. The mood soon changed however when the consideration changed area of interest from footballing matters to those of a more pertinent and pressing nature.

The journalists present were only too eager to utilize such an excellent opportunity to examine the scrupulous intellect of Keane upon the impeding postal crisis and industrial action posed by the CWU and demanded answers from the cork native as to where the answers lay.

When pressed Keane finally confirmed that he had indeed waded into the CWU working conditions debate earlier in the week and held face to face meetings with the Union leader Billy Hayes in an eleventh hour attempt to avert the prearranged walk outs.

Unfortunately, Keane confided to the assembled media correspondents he had been unsuccessful as his working condition reviews were discarded off hand and described as laughable, and at best piecemeal offerings by a toothless intermediary. It was however at this point that things turned violent, with echoes of the Coal miners’ strikes that once blighted the nation.

“I’m a laid back kind of a guy most of the time but the disrespect shown to me that afternoon was simply unacceptable” said Keane “I offered what I thought were reasonable changes and reviews to working conditions, pay and benefits and yet these propositions were simply thrown straight back in my face!”

The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed exclusively to the gathered media exactly what happened following on directly from this. Billy Hayes launched himself into an extremely aggressive confutation of Keanes proposals, screaming;

“Roy Keane, this is simply a Fronti nulla fides from a charlatan offering that which he has neither the authority to, nor the intellectual capacity to fully understand the repercussions of. Roy, you're a liar … you're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a debater, I don't rate you as a messenger, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your proposals up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the representative of the fucking Royal Mail! You can stick it up your bollocks!”

Roy Keane at this point concedes that what The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed to be fully truthful.

“Yes, its exactly how it went down, to be honest I just saw red and I responded the only way I know how to; I'd waited long enough. I fucking hit Hayes hard. The contract proposals were there (I think). Take that you cunt. And don't ever stand over me sneering about false messengers. Even in the car home afterwards, I had no remorse. My attitude was, fuck him. What goes around comes around. He got his just rewards. He fucked me over and my attitude is an eye for an eye.”

After the furor had died down over Keanes failure to thrash out a mutually acceptable treaty, he was asked whether he saw him self becoming embroiled in any further political work in the near future.

To this Keane diplomatically answered, “For now I’m just happy being a successful football manager.”

Critical Torres Questions UK economic policy

Liverpool FC striker and spainish international Fernando Torres broke his silence this week over his fears about the ongoing financial crisis in the UK and the governments response towards it.

“It gets to a point when you have to say enough is enough. So far the UK government has ploughed 175 billion of your sterlings into the economy to encourage banks to lend, despite having already bailed them out in the first place. And now we hear that there is to be another round of this ‘Quantative Easing’, which could put another 50 billion straight into the economy at the behest of business leaders and major financial institutions.”

“But the problem I have with all of this is that the money would appear to already be there, and put simply, its not more money that is the answer, at least not to my mind. No, I’ve been an avid student of economic policy for some time now and am in full agreement with David Kern, chief economist at the British Chambers of Commerce, who has put forward proposals to charge banks on deposits they are sitting on at the moment and refusing to lend out. Although I guess the worry then would be that the banks would simply put any of those costs incurred straight back onto the customer. It’s a tough one to call it really is. It makes me thankfull i'm just a footballer, it really does!”