The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit hits the front page

Hello Mum! as the ATSU shamelessly spoils the RAF photo in a desperate self publicity attempt

Well, what a week for The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit. No longer had we taken to the air we had a couple a friends come up to say hello in the form of two Tornado F3's. Hello lads we said, what can we do for you? They were pleasant enough but there was an air of unfriendliness that we noted as they complained that we were closing on restricted airspace.

HELLO MUM!

"All right all right, keep yer hair on lads, we're just out for the spin, don't take the piss though as we're armed to the fucking teeth with 12 thermonuclear Raduga Kh-55 Thermonuclear Cruise Missiles split between two massive internal rotary launchers. But don't worry, were just out and about having a little fly. Hey is that a camera? Hello mum! Hey are we going to get on TV? Ive always wanted to meet Gordon Burns, I always liked him in that Kyptonite factor or what ever it was, him and that Kelly fella in Going for Gold, great shows they were... Lads?, Lads?"

It was at this point the ATSU realised the RAF lads had disappeared back to base; rather rudely we thought considering they didn't have the courtesy to take their leave. Anyway, maybe their tea was going cold.

City Chief defends controversial memorial

Under fire Liverpool City Council Chief today defended plans by the council to erect a Two Kilometre Tall statue of Kevin Keegan on vacant land adjacent to Pall Mall and Old Hall Street.

"This city has always been at the forefront of forward thinking that have thrust the city into the limelight of the worldwide media that make it one of the most sought after locations in Orions arm this side of Proxima Centrui. Just look at the success of placing the half lamb half bananas all over the city. I mean, with all the social problems in this city, coupled with the consistantly decreasing population over the last 50 years and complete lack of any sort of jobs market, what better to do with our time and money than piss it all away on some shitey, fibreglass pieces of tat all over the city?"

"Who, just who I ask you has lead this city to the very bottom of the list of councils performance in the UK, turned us into a one star council (out of 5 possible stars and bottom in a table of 434) and was also described as the most corrupt, inefficient and incompetent in an appraisal from the audit commission in 2008?"

"Who has authorised the building of an extra 3000 units of flats in over the next 3 years to meet the sub regional housing targets in the growth point sector of the city centre despite unoccupancy rates of 25% and rising in those already built over the last 5 years?"

"We have also added to the rich architecture of this famous city; which may I add, we have highlighted by allowing the development of a disjointed mish-mash of new identikit architecture and low quality, high rise buildings in gross proximity to. So once where there was a coherent waterfront of unique buildings, you could now be standing literally anywhere in the world looking at the same shoddy buildings that are already showing signs of wear."

"Our tenure in charge here speaks for itself, and we believe the only way to truly hammer home the successes we've had an are intending to build on is by erecting a two Kilometre tall, solid gold statue of the one and only Kevin Keegan, a man who wasn't afraid to give two fingers to those manc twats."

"So do I need to justify what we're doing here? Do I bollocks, looking at our track record, where else in the world could a scheme like this even possibly take of the ground?"

Headless victim forced to fight

According to todays MSN News anyway. I would have paid alot of money to see that. It reminds me of the time when the lead story on the Merseyside Constabulary website read; 'Police find human remains in cemetery'. Who'd have thought?

Poll Added

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Clearance Granted

"Come in ground control, this is Jonas Danielli requesting landing clearance"

"Hello Mr Danielli, this is air traffic control at the world famous professional football club, we are reading you five by five, we have not been expecting you"

"Ground Cotrol this is Danielli, I'm planning on buying your world famous professional football club; later in the year I plan to turn it into a big warehouse that makes venture capital filofaxes. Ten-Four"

"I see Mr Danielli, we expecting this kind of thing, OK clearance to land granted, just put it down on the centre circle"

"Roger that, could you just wait a while untill I return from scouting the new tech niche sub-regional growth-point sector in white goods production in the developing markets of south east asia; Four-ten?"

SMASH KILLS 25!

I've always thought there was something sinister about instant mashed potato personally

Dreaming of Wedded Bliss

The big question circulating Europes largest coastal bay region on the morning of the 21st was; So what happened to the Groom the previous evening?

Turns out the Groom had text Dee and E saying he couldnt make it into town to meet everyone as a big fight had broken out at the world famous professional football club.

However, this could have been a ruse to disguise several potential outcomes and perceived scenarios listed below:-

A. He is a sorry cunt, and it was simply a pathetic excuse to shun those who had travelled furthest as he simply couldnt be arsed to make it into town.

B. His soon to be mother in law had a broken bottle at his throat and doc martins on his knackers at the time screaming "you're ours now you pathetic fuck, you have no other friends if we deem it so. Make an excuse, you are not fucking going anywhere you cunt"

C. There actually was a fight that broke out between rival factions of the lower order hominids that were invited to the event, that enlisted the Grooms specific negotiating skills, honed while he was studying ape behavioural characteristics in Madagascar.

It could be any of the three in all honesty, although im finding it hard to believe that a fight could have broken out between members of such an understanding and communicative family in all honesty. Ive asked the Groom a few times, but on each occasion he has simply clammed up and not said a word, while in the background i can hear an impending cacophony of loud heavy breathing and pounding footsteps getting closer and closer, as he makes a timid whining noise and hangs up.