Jamie Redknapp today broke his silence about the forthcoming apocalypse and slammed Rafael Benitez for leading humanity down a path to certain destruction. An obviously upset Redknapp went on to explain as best he could under the circumstances. “Me and me dad have been saying this for a long time yet no one has been heeding our warnings. Its blatantly obvious that by persisting with zonal marking Rafael Benitez is going to directly incur the wrath of the Mayan creator god and bring about the end of civilization and the world as we know it!” Pertinently pausing for breath, Jamie strokes his furrowed brow, clearly troubled by his findings. “And if anyone should know what they’re talking about its me and me dad, we’ve been in this game a long time, but I feel I’ve stayed as silent as I could for as long as possible. Someone needs to stop this mad man putting defenders in ‘zones’ before he kills us all!, I mean who ever heard of a zone scoring a goal? Certainly not Jeff Stelling nor Chris Kamara. What more proof do people need?” Sage words indeed from the Sly Sports News pundit.
According to Redknapps research the principal creator god Itzamna was apparently perturbed that Balam the main Jaguar God protector of communities decided to introduce a ‘zone per Jaguar’ system some time in AD 267 to ensure a greater number of communities came under an umbrella of Jaguar protection. Itzamna explained to Balam that zones don’t eat people, but rather other predators or men would. However the repercussions of this were not taken particularly seriously at first as although Balam kowtowed to Itzamnas wishes, the cyclical nature of humanity as viewed by the Mayan civilisation meant that this was unlikely to be the last time that the issue of zonal marking raised its ugly head.
Upon realising this Itzamna flew into a rage and ordered Yaluk the chief lightning god to Destroy the earth and scorch its crust so that no man or beast may ever defy him in such a way again. Jamie at this point becomes much more animated, “And so now we know why the 13th and final Long Cycle calendar as created by the Mayans ends on December 21st 2012, its because Itzamna will have simply grown tired of Rafas policy of zonal marking and Yaluk will destroy the entire Earth in response to Benitez’s constant affronts and shear arrogance, Its so obvious yet no one apart from Alex Ferguson has the strength of character to put a stop to his warmongering! Its about time we stood up to Benitez and ended this sabre rattling once and for all, before we’re all dead!”
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