The GUM Clinic

Scene I

Man walks into a sexual health clinic, whispers that he is here for his appointment

every attempt he makes at discretion the receptionist blows out of the water by repeating it back to him loudly.

MAN "I'm here for the test, you know, *Whispers* for sexual stuff"

Receptionist "you want a sexual health test, what do you want testing for: Clamidya?"

MAN "er, yes"

repeats the same fiasco for about 5 or 6 different infections.......

Receptionist then hands a man a clipboard and instructs him to fill out the forms and leave a mobile number as any results he gets will be texted to him, man takes form and goes to sit down.....*fades out*

Scene II

2 Weeks later....

Man is walking through the park, when his phone goes off,

He checks his phone and opens his new message.

Camera pans onto phone screen

It reads,

SOZ MR SMIF, BT U AV GT DA AIDS, LOL!!! :-(

Coming Soon...

Coming soon to a cinemaplex near you....

TEAM USA, staring Walton Goggins as Landon Donovan.

"The French have surrendered

The USA have left it late

and England are left fighting the Krauts"

The Dempinator

There was a nuclear war. A few years from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it's gone. Just gone. There were survivors. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it. It was the machines,

A Cybernetic Organism was sent back in time by the skynet computer to destroy humanity's resistance before it even began.

Instead it ended up playing for the USA.

Listen, and understand. That Dempinator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until it has scored (or won a penalty)!

The Dempinator rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. His war to exterminate mankind had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Tonight...

Collie chases sheep

Stan Collymore waded into the Zonal Marking debate earlier this evening as he slammed a faltering Liverpool side for persisting with what he considered "a disgrace to humanity".

No prisoners

"Stan Collymore was sat talking about the game but as soon as the issue of Liverpool's defending popped up you could see he was beginning to get visibly agitated" commented a concerned colleague. "Then as he was getting more and more angry, it became obvious he wasn't going to be able to control himself any longer"

Fortune teller

Sadly for the channel 5 punditry team, their worst fears were confirmed as the pressure became to much for Collymore to bear any longer as he preceded to commit a lewd act upon his person while screaming that Rafael Benitez needed to be stopped before it was too late for humanity to undo the damage caused by his persistence with Zonal Marking. He then leapt, displaying feline poise and grace, holding nothing more than his reddened shaft as he thrust his clearly abused helmet towards the camera in an astonishing act of sexual violence and aggression.

Balaclava

Former hot shot winger player Pat Nevin wept tears as he praised his co pundit. "Humanity has not witnessed such an act of bravery entwined with folly since Captain Nolan took the 17th Cavalry to take the Russian Guns in the Crimea. Stan Collymore's iron nerves were an absolute inspiration in the face of the pure evil of Zonal Marking. He's a man who is not afraid to stand up for truth and decency, no matter what the implications of his certain exposure to public contempt and ridicule. He knows he'll get pilloried for this, if not worse; But at least its for a just cause. I genuinely fear for his safety"

The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit hits the front page

Hello Mum! as the ATSU shamelessly spoils the RAF photo in a desperate self publicity attempt

Well, what a week for The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit. No longer had we taken to the air we had a couple a friends come up to say hello in the form of two Tornado F3's. Hello lads we said, what can we do for you? They were pleasant enough but there was an air of unfriendliness that we noted as they complained that we were closing on restricted airspace.

HELLO MUM!

"All right all right, keep yer hair on lads, we're just out for the spin, don't take the piss though as we're armed to the fucking teeth with 12 thermonuclear Raduga Kh-55 Thermonuclear Cruise Missiles split between two massive internal rotary launchers. But don't worry, were just out and about having a little fly. Hey is that a camera? Hello mum! Hey are we going to get on TV? Ive always wanted to meet Gordon Burns, I always liked him in that Kyptonite factor or what ever it was, him and that Kelly fella in Going for Gold, great shows they were... Lads?, Lads?"

It was at this point the ATSU realised the RAF lads had disappeared back to base; rather rudely we thought considering they didn't have the courtesy to take their leave. Anyway, maybe their tea was going cold.

City Chief defends controversial memorial

Under fire Liverpool City Council Chief today defended plans by the council to erect a Two Kilometre Tall statue of Kevin Keegan on vacant land adjacent to Pall Mall and Old Hall Street.

"This city has always been at the forefront of forward thinking that have thrust the city into the limelight of the worldwide media that make it one of the most sought after locations in Orions arm this side of Proxima Centrui. Just look at the success of placing the half lamb half bananas all over the city. I mean, with all the social problems in this city, coupled with the consistantly decreasing population over the last 50 years and complete lack of any sort of jobs market, what better to do with our time and money than piss it all away on some shitey, fibreglass pieces of tat all over the city?"

"Who, just who I ask you has lead this city to the very bottom of the list of councils performance in the UK, turned us into a one star council (out of 5 possible stars and bottom in a table of 434) and was also described as the most corrupt, inefficient and incompetent in an appraisal from the audit commission in 2008?"

"Who has authorised the building of an extra 3000 units of flats in over the next 3 years to meet the sub regional housing targets in the growth point sector of the city centre despite unoccupancy rates of 25% and rising in those already built over the last 5 years?"

"We have also added to the rich architecture of this famous city; which may I add, we have highlighted by allowing the development of a disjointed mish-mash of new identikit architecture and low quality, high rise buildings in gross proximity to. So once where there was a coherent waterfront of unique buildings, you could now be standing literally anywhere in the world looking at the same shoddy buildings that are already showing signs of wear."

"Our tenure in charge here speaks for itself, and we believe the only way to truly hammer home the successes we've had an are intending to build on is by erecting a two Kilometre tall, solid gold statue of the one and only Kevin Keegan, a man who wasn't afraid to give two fingers to those manc twats."

"So do I need to justify what we're doing here? Do I bollocks, looking at our track record, where else in the world could a scheme like this even possibly take of the ground?"

Headless victim forced to fight

According to todays MSN News anyway. I would have paid alot of money to see that. It reminds me of the time when the lead story on the Merseyside Constabulary website read; 'Police find human remains in cemetery'. Who'd have thought?

Poll Added

Here at The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit we are continuously working towards the utopia of a truly altruistic society. The only way to do so is conduct quantative research into pertinent social issues. Please help us get that little bit closer to one humanity working together by taking time out to answer our question. Polls close in exactly 1 year and 1 week, so hurry!

Clearance Granted

"Come in ground control, this is Jonas Danielli requesting landing clearance"

"Hello Mr Danielli, this is air traffic control at the world famous professional football club, we are reading you five by five, we have not been expecting you"

"Ground Cotrol this is Danielli, I'm planning on buying your world famous professional football club; later in the year I plan to turn it into a big warehouse that makes venture capital filofaxes. Ten-Four"

"I see Mr Danielli, we expecting this kind of thing, OK clearance to land granted, just put it down on the centre circle"

"Roger that, could you just wait a while untill I return from scouting the new tech niche sub-regional growth-point sector in white goods production in the developing markets of south east asia; Four-ten?"

SMASH KILLS 25!

I've always thought there was something sinister about instant mashed potato personally

Dreaming of Wedded Bliss

The big question circulating Europes largest coastal bay region on the morning of the 21st was; So what happened to the Groom the previous evening?

Turns out the Groom had text Dee and E saying he couldnt make it into town to meet everyone as a big fight had broken out at the world famous professional football club.

However, this could have been a ruse to disguise several potential outcomes and perceived scenarios listed below:-

A. He is a sorry cunt, and it was simply a pathetic excuse to shun those who had travelled furthest as he simply couldnt be arsed to make it into town.

B. His soon to be mother in law had a broken bottle at his throat and doc martins on his knackers at the time screaming "you're ours now you pathetic fuck, you have no other friends if we deem it so. Make an excuse, you are not fucking going anywhere you cunt"

C. There actually was a fight that broke out between rival factions of the lower order hominids that were invited to the event, that enlisted the Grooms specific negotiating skills, honed while he was studying ape behavioural characteristics in Madagascar.

It could be any of the three in all honesty, although im finding it hard to believe that a fight could have broken out between members of such an understanding and communicative family in all honesty. Ive asked the Groom a few times, but on each occasion he has simply clammed up and not said a word, while in the background i can hear an impending cacophony of loud heavy breathing and pounding footsteps getting closer and closer, as he makes a timid whining noise and hangs up.

Match of the day cancelled

I tuned in last night to watch Match of the day, but imagine my horror to find it replaced by Ramsey's Kicked Shin Nightmare.