63% of all statistics are made up

The headlines today are that unemployment has passed the 2.47 Million mark, 7.9% unemployment according to figures released.

Yet 6 Million are claiming unemployment benefits of some form and 750 thousand unemployed are unable to claim any benefits due to having savings of over 16,000 Pounds, so are not included in any figures.

Taking just these figures thats a total of close to 7 million unemployed in the UK, 6.75 Million.

The population of the UK stood at 61.4 Million mid 2008, of that the economically active account for those of a working age, Just over 49 Million. That gives us a more realistic unemployment figure of 14%.

Thats a pretty massive number of unemployed, anything to rival some of the most shambolic eastern European free market economies in the wake of their change from plan led systems.

This doesn’t even begin to take into account those in relationships who cannot claim any benefits or those in full time education on courses that are designed simply to manipulate figures and postpone the inevitable.

More annoyingly I was watching a show last night about some smug shits trying to buy property to then rent it back at exorbitant rates to the people who actually wanted to live in the area (having been brought up there) but couldn’t afford to get on the ladder because of second home owners and property developers. They were offering well below asking price for the properties stating ‘the current economic crisis’ as justifications for such predatory behaviour.

They then went on to criticise the current owners for not realising a good deal, and not ‘seeing the bigger picture’. Basically condemning people for not allowing themselves to be ripped off, and not lining their own already swelled pockets. These so called property investors and developers were a couple of Arseholes from London who’d got rich through working in banks. You couldn’t fucking make it up could you.

These fucking self-righteous, conceited fuckwits bollocks everything up for people who just want to have a normal life through shear unsustainable greed then come round trying to clear up after. It rubs salt into already very pussy wounds. Not everybody can be a millionaire; otherwise money wouldn’t be worth fucking anything. There’s a finite amount of all resources, and that includes money. The more one person has the less everybody else can have, its basic economics, yet the pricks in charge either don’t understand or just don’t fucking care.

Tough times call for extreme measures

John Sitton further underlines just why he holds such legendary status. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... The Sittonator.

Management Guru shows us some tricks of the trade

John Sitton allowed cameras into the dressing room, to allow a glimpse into the sensitive world of personnel management.

WHAT JOHN SITTON DID NEXT

(Taken from the Guardian Wednesday 15 November 2006)

Sadly, and despite online petitions, Sitton is once again out of football after a brief stint as head coach of Leyton FC at the beginning of this season. "It was the second time I had been there, and basically it was a case of going back by popular demand among the players and coaches," says Sitton. "But it was short-lived: the chairman dragged me into his room after four games, of which we had won three and drawn one, and I just thought 'if it's going to be like this then it's best to walk away now on good terms'."

Instead, Sitton is now self-employed as a black cab driver and also works part-time for the Press Association compiling statistics for the Opta Index. He has had just three jobs in football since leaving Leyton Orient - with Leyton, Enfield, and Leyton again, and admits he was stunned at how quickly football turned its back on him after the documentary. "I made in excess of 60 applications for different jobs, all unsuccessful and by the end I was very bitter, twisted and disillusioned," he adds. "But I got caught out using the kind of language that is now accepted everywhere and which has earned Gordon Ramsay an eight-figure sum.

"What's upsetting is that other people say racist things and yet I see their careers go very well - Ron Atkinson is on TV every week telling some manager how to run their team; others take bungs, which I always avoided, and succeed just as well. What did I do? I screamed at a bunch of what I felt were overpaid underachievers."

Sitton does regret losing his cool, saying he was "embarrassed" for his family when the footage came out, and attributing his lapse in part to the greater difficulties of a club where financial hardship had left him filling several roles. But for all the grief that football has given him, it is clear Sitton still longs for what he has lost. "Football is a filthy profession, swimming in filth; who would want to be a part of it?" he protests at one point, but just moments later the guard falls. "It still hurts," he confesses when asked if he misses the game. "My missus keeps saying to me she's still waiting for me to be happy. She does everything for me to be happy, but it's still not there. You never stop missing that rush."

Random acts of violence

Secretary of State for Culture Ben Bradshaw today set wheels in motion to revive the death penalty in the UK for people who use Random as an Adjective.

Speaking to us earlier, he explained why the government had decided to take such drastic action.

“I was in the Tate the other day looking at picassos Nude woman with necklace, when some cunt pipes up from behind me with, ““That looks random””. I won’t lie to you, I went fucking bezerk”.

“As one of Picassos finest works of Surrealism I think there are far more appropriate ways to describe such a piece in all honesty. For me perhaps its the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur. And lets not forget that André Breton was explicit in his assertion that Surrealism was above all a revolutionary movement. Yet here I found it being reduced to one lazy, tiring word; The over reliance of this particular word by a generation of gormless gobshites who seem to think they’re somehow adding to some sort of bohemian social movement by using random to describe just about every single fucking thing going, is basically going to drive me fucking mental. Sooner, rather than later.

“I’m sick to the fucking back teeth of it” he went on to add, “these bastards calling things ‘Random’ “”oh look at that random dog, oh isn't she random, oh aren't those fucking jeans fucking random””. Bollocks. That dogs a fucking poodle, its meant to fucking look like that you cunt. She's got a spinal disorder, hence her bad posture, those jeans are meant to be making some sort of fashion statement by incorporating sequins. I cannot for the life of me understand how random even begins to describe any of this. It absolutely baffles me. It really does!”

“It seems to have become acceptable within certain media circles to use this word ad nauseum as if its somehow stylish to do so. You know the sorts of crap I’m talking about, people who clearly have little to no education and zero personality, but have somehow fallen into some show or other on television or radio and managed to get enough hangers on whizzing around them hanging on their every stupid word to give the impression of them being in some way humorous or worth listening to, when clearly they are pointless, mindless, talentless bastards”

“Anyway, bollocks, I’ve had enough, the next prick to use that fucking word to describe something within earshot of me or my new task force is going to made an example of. Honestly, I will fucking kill the next bastard to do so, I fucking will, fuck em, its gone too far.”

Master of Deception reveals secrets

Derren brown the illusionist and trickster this week lifted the lid on his secrets and blew away the mystique that surrounds his supposedly improbable tricks and conjuring.

"The explanation is quite simple to be honest and when I reveal just how I manage to bamboozle, bewilder and baffle people in the manner which I do, people will literally kick themselves for overlooking such an obvious resolution."

"Back in 1995 I as looking for inspiration from a strong willed individual with strength of conviction and immense mental fortitude, that person was Kevin Keegan. I used to follow his press conferences and eaves drop on his half time team talks, I thought to myself this guy has it all, he could encourage, get the team working as one, and was focused beyond compare."

"But all that began to change that Christmas as someone I can only describe as having telepathic or other para-psychological ability came onto the scene and before a nations very eyes and ears systematically destroyed Kevin Keegas mind, a man previously thought to be unbreakable, or ‘bomb-proof’, leading to his famous ‘I would love it’ outburst followed by a mental breakdown and subsequent Sectioning in a secure unit."

"That man as we all know is the master of mind games himself, Alex Ferguson. A magician among mere mortals."

"I have been studying under the great man now for many years, learning how to manipulate peoples minds and create whatever illusions and false realities I choose. I once made Bobby Davro think that Barry and Paul Chuckle were trying to kill him with a spoon, and if you think that’s good, all this was going on on the surface of the moon! As far as Bavro was concerned in any event; and all this was made possible due to Alex Fergusons tips and other worldly Faculties."

"Its not hard to see how he amazingly enlisted the help of portly football genius Sam Allardyce to completely perplex Rafael Benitez recently. He had completely lost the plot, as he sat there calmly reading out a list of things that actually happened, or facts as he crazily referred to them as, it was obvious to all and every football pundit that he had gone totally bananas! I mean he could have started throwing his own faeces around and looked calmer, the man was insanity personified. And as we all know its down that great man Alex Ferguson yet again."

Civil unrest spreads to suburbs

Police were on full alert over the weekend after disturbances in the Hothersall district of Longridge.

Police were first alerted to anti social goings on by the headmistress of Hillside residential school. “We started being bombarded by golf balls around midday, from the adjacent farm. Three young men were drinking heavily, swearing and generally behaving appallingly. It’s only through good fortune that no serious damage was done and that none of our children were hurt.”

Police attended the scene at 1 pm but could not locate the perpetrators at that time. However that was far from the end of the matter, as by 3pm the instability in the area had proliferated as far as the corporation arms on Ribchester road. Police were yet again called in, this time by the assistant manager.

“These three lads were buggering about outside in the beer garden, acting like kids, and when we asked them to calm down they just became completely unreasonable. It was quite unacceptable really, all they kept banging on about was some kind of golf ball bucket competition”.

However yet again by the time Hothersall police department responded the assailants had fled the scene.

A spate of telephone calls were recorded over the next 4 hours from anxious residents as a series of anti social events unfolded throughout Longridge. Detective Helliwell of Longridge CID who was working that day was called into action early as it was soon realized they were dealing with a crisis situation.

“Our disaster management preparedness team sprung into action as soon as we realized what was going on, and reinforcement units from Preston and a specialist firearms unit from Manchester were called in immediately; we don’t take any chances in this part of the world. From the calls that we were receiving there was a trail of destruction leading to and from Hothersall, so that’s were we instructed the Airborne units to concentrate their search”

This did nothing to arrest the shear weight of calls, as the Police switchboard was flooded throughout the night and into the small hours of the morning, with numerous sightings of a 4 door black sports car being driven recklessly with an air rifle pointing out of the passenger window.

Despite the highest concentration of police units in the area since the Ribchester field day donkey water bomb attack, Longridge Constabulary failed to make any arrests and have attributed the unrest to an ‘Unlicensed sporting event’ in the area.

Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale in Hothersall *Spoiler warning*

News agencies from around the hamlet gathered at White Lion Farm Hothersall, Preston, UK over the weekend to witness the inaugural Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale. The finalists had traveled far and wide to make this prestigious competition from all corners of the globe. Gordon Mouso Brick put in the most mileage traveling from Methven Canterbury, New Zealand; Mr. Wittox had a leisurely 60 miles down the A59 from Liverpool; but the main contender and betting favorite (evens) A Gornall had to simply roll out of bed.

The crowd was here primarily to see Gornall due to his title as current ‘In off the bar from outside the 18 yard box World champion.’(In recess). A title held for a record 8 years since 2001, when it was won in monsoon conditions at St Martins all weather pitch in Lancaster; The longest ‘in off the bar’ champion the series has ever seen. It was also for this reason that Hothersall was chosen from a preferred list of international venues.

Clouds threatened rain but as the time came to tee off the threat had passed and sunshine enveloped the arena. All entrants struggled at first, putting out a series of range finders to gauge just what technique was going to work best. Underarm followed overarm and GMB even experimented with an audacious ricochet off the beech tree. In the end the competition settled down and a traditional ‘underarm lob’ was used exclusively due to the perfect weather conditions and venue setup.

The crowd were silenced after just 3 hours 36 minutes of play as the rank outsider Wittox landed a plum shot smash bang into the centre of the bucket, it had clipped the line on its way down and stukaesque dive-bombed the bucket to perfection. The resulting metallic Bang was followed by a huge collective gasp of breath from the sidelines only to be followed by a loud OOOHHHHHH, as the ball mischievously bounced straight back out of the bucket and landed on the turf, a picture of perfect impertinence.

This scene was to be repeated over the next 5 hours as the ball clipped the rim (rim job) hit the outside of the bucket (out job) and bounced out having gone in (a right bastard). This none stop action kept the crowd on the edge of their seats throughout the day, until finally Gordon Mouso Brick broke the deadlock and with it Gornalls stranglehold over the entire sport after an exhilarating 9 hours 47 minutes of play.

A delighted Brick was “Well happy” with his win and promised to continue to take the sport to the world.

The next Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale is due to be held some time this century in a venue yet to be confirmed.

Benitez to Redknapp “Your dad is shit!”

Rafael Benitez hit back yesterday at Jamie Redknapps apocalyptic predictions by unleashing a mighty broadside at his detractor.

“Your dad is a shit manager” Benitez blasted in front of an astonished media suite, “who the fuck do you two fucking clowns think you are, Itzamna the Mayan creator god fucking loved zonal marking and the fact that this simple fact has been circumvented by your so called factual research shows just what a sorry cunt you are, FACT!”

Benitez refused to be drawn further onto his cryptic statement regarding the current spurs manager only that he thought he “was a total wanker” and later added “I hope he fucking dies the prick” as he was dragged from Anfields press room by security men; Clearly unhappy at his restraining treatment at the hands of Liverpool FCs very own staff.

This outburst will only add to the growing rift between Rafael Benitez and the established order in the premiership, who are growing tired of Benitez upsetting the apple cart with his unorthodox methods.

This would seem to have yet again played straight into the hands of the master of mind games Alex Ferguson and looks likely to heap yet more pressure onto the manager many are saying has ‘lost it’.

Guaranteed pontoon winning system

Police foiled an attempt by scrap metal thieves to steal an eight-ton pontoon-bridge in Russia's central Penza Region, a local authority spokesman said on Monday.
The bridge was dismantled and loaded onto a truck Saturday, which was later stopped by police en route to Penza. The driver said he had been promised 8,000 rubles ($340) to deliver the bridge.

A police investigation has been launched to try and trace the thieves, who told the driver they were engineering workers.

High global prices for metal have led to an explosion in scrap metal thefts in Russia and across the world. The Penza Region was also hit last year, when another bridge was stolen by daring thieves. Although the offenders were eventually traced, the authorities were forced to replace the bridge as the metal structure had already been melted down for scrap.

Viagra leads to recklessness with small shooter

Moscow, December 2008

A man opened fire with a pistol wounding a sales assistant following a complaint over impotency tablets sold by a sex shop in downtown Moscow, a police source said on Thursday.

The police source said the incident occurred on Wednesday evening, when "The customer entered the sex shop...and began complaining about the poor quality of impotency pills that he had bought. An argument ensued during which the man shot a 30-year-old woman twice."

The woman has been admitted to hospital with gunshot wounds.

Police are investigating the crime and a search for the assailant is ongoing

Dr Yes

Camera pans in towards a smouldering volcano, Thunder crashes in the background as Lightning intermittently lights up the scene.

Cuts to a huge dark hall in a classical style. Its almost pitch black, but the lightning lights up the room through the huge windows revealing ancient portraits that adorn the walls, cobwebs hang from them, covered in dust.

Huge doors at the far end of the room open slowly, creaking loudly as they strain on their hinges. A large well-dressed man walks through slowly carrying a brown suitcase. As he walks down through this huge room his shoes make loud tapping sounds as their leather impacts upon the thick bare floorboards. Eventually he stops, at the other end an open fire crackles, our view of it obscured by a large chair.

The chair slowly starts to turn; it reveals a bald, diminutive man. He strokes a white cat sitting on his lap. He looks up at his guest. His look of indifference suggests he was expecting his visitor.


"So, Meester Abramovich, ow much you got to lift da embargo innit?"


"I hear Vinny Samways is coming out of retirement in the next window, I mean of all the fucking times to do this. Just tell me what you want this time!"


"Ok, A tells ya wat, wat about ya gives us a dog to suck me cock, and me an us fifa mates let this go away innit, ay?"

Assessment is a two way street

WELCOME TO FRAUD NORTH NUCLEAR INC.

"Well I hope you enjoyed your two day assessment centre, and remember even if we dont offer you a job, which for 80% of you will be the case, dont worry, it hasnt been a waste of time because we will give you some feedback. So just remember to make sure to ask for some. It could ofer you some insights into your personality you handn't previously considered before"

ACT II

I was disapointed not to be offered the job, in light of this I would like to request some feedback regarding the following:-

Did I do anything "wrong”?
Was there anything I missed?
Feedback on performance in tests.
Feedback on performance in exercises.
Feedback from interview.
Feedback from presentation.

Kind regards,

Mr X.


THREE WEEKS TWO PHONE CALLS AND ANOTHER EMAIL LATER.



Dear mr x, you did well in your assessment and came in the top 5% for the verbal and numerical reasoning. I hope this feedback helps you in your future job hunting.

Faithfully, FRAUD NORTH NUCLEAR INC

Jobs for everyone

(The scene is job centre plus)

ACT I

"Hello sir how is your job searching going"

"Well, as you can see, not great. I've been signing on for a few months now"

"Right, yes. Well lets see if we can update any of your job details on the system to help find you something suited to your skills and experience...hang on, .... ok yes. Its got here ESOL teaching, is that correct?"

"Yes thats right, that was my first choice, but ive recently been back to university and got an MSc in town planning, so would it be possible to put it down should any council positions arise?"

"Well sir, to be honest I think thats a little bit hopefull and we dont even have any teaching jobs, so have you got any other experience"

"Yes, quite a bit. I've worked in warehouses and driven vans before..."

"Ok, brilliant, ill put you down as a van driver, and warehouse worker second"

"Right, well ok I do need something, do you have any van or warehouse jobs I can do then"

"No"

The rise and rise of the middle man

"Hello, is that drax recruitment?"

"Yes it is sir, how can I help you?"

"I was wondering what jobs or assignments you have at the moment?"

"Sorry, we have nothing"

"Oh, right, well erm, nothing at all? I havent specifi..."

"Bye then"

"Ok, bye"

(Based on a true story)

Homo Sapiens?

Visitors have been flocking to a zoo in the western Polish city of Poznan to catch a glimpse of an elephant, who it is claimed is homosexual, Polish media said.
The ten-year-old African Bush elephant, Nino, has had to change zoos three times in the past five years because of his aggressive behavior toward female elephants, including pushing them into the pool. However his attitude to male elephants is described as "affectionate."
"He only liked his buddies and hit the cows with his trunk, and was very disrespectful on the whole," Michal Grzes, the conservative Law and Justice (PiS) deputy for Poznan said.
Nino was sent to Warsaw Zoo, where he lived for three years, until his aggressive behavior led to his transfer to a zoo in Budapest before he once again returned to Poznan.
Grzes said that if Nino does not alter his behavior and breed, he will become "dead weight" for the zoo. He is currently being kept separate from the other animals.
However, zookeepers have not lost all hope. Nino is still young and will soon be introduced to a female from the Netherlands to try and tempt him into breeding.