Random acts of violence

Secretary of State for Culture Ben Bradshaw today set wheels in motion to revive the death penalty in the UK for people who use Random as an Adjective.

Speaking to us earlier, he explained why the government had decided to take such drastic action.

“I was in the Tate the other day looking at picassos Nude woman with necklace, when some cunt pipes up from behind me with, ““That looks random””. I won’t lie to you, I went fucking bezerk”.

“As one of Picassos finest works of Surrealism I think there are far more appropriate ways to describe such a piece in all honesty. For me perhaps its the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur. And lets not forget that André Breton was explicit in his assertion that Surrealism was above all a revolutionary movement. Yet here I found it being reduced to one lazy, tiring word; The over reliance of this particular word by a generation of gormless gobshites who seem to think they’re somehow adding to some sort of bohemian social movement by using random to describe just about every single fucking thing going, is basically going to drive me fucking mental. Sooner, rather than later.

“I’m sick to the fucking back teeth of it” he went on to add, “these bastards calling things ‘Random’ “”oh look at that random dog, oh isn't she random, oh aren't those fucking jeans fucking random””. Bollocks. That dogs a fucking poodle, its meant to fucking look like that you cunt. She's got a spinal disorder, hence her bad posture, those jeans are meant to be making some sort of fashion statement by incorporating sequins. I cannot for the life of me understand how random even begins to describe any of this. It absolutely baffles me. It really does!”

“It seems to have become acceptable within certain media circles to use this word ad nauseum as if its somehow stylish to do so. You know the sorts of crap I’m talking about, people who clearly have little to no education and zero personality, but have somehow fallen into some show or other on television or radio and managed to get enough hangers on whizzing around them hanging on their every stupid word to give the impression of them being in some way humorous or worth listening to, when clearly they are pointless, mindless, talentless bastards”

“Anyway, bollocks, I’ve had enough, the next prick to use that fucking word to describe something within earshot of me or my new task force is going to made an example of. Honestly, I will fucking kill the next bastard to do so, I fucking will, fuck em, its gone too far.”