The World's Strongest Man competition first started in 1977. Filmed at Universal Studios in Florida, it was almost entirely dominated by American weightlifters and Football players.
The competition has evolved over the years, and from being considered an entertainment show, worldwide Strongman contests have become their own specialised discipline categorised as 'Strength Athletics'. It's a niche market worth tens of millions of dollars worldwide, in equipment, TV deals, advertisement and supplement sales. As the sport has developed, so have the competitors. Gone are the days when entertainment wrestlers such as Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk 1978 – 82) could take part at the behest of television producers.
As the competition has bulked up, so have the weights of the apparatus used in the events - and year on year the competitors bulk up in order to keep pace.
Despite constant changes of name and management, the competition generally stuck to the same format and has been contested in September each year. However, the results have been one of sport's best-kept secrets through the years as the television deals that run worldwide (Channel 5 in the UK) are synchronised to be shown at the same time, over the Christmas and New Year period. To this end it has become an institution in the UK over the festive period. This, along with an ever-increasing rotundness of competitors, had led to the competition being viewed as a mere curiosity as opposed to a serious sport.
All that changed, however, in 2002 with the arrival of a man from Poland called Mariusz Pudzianowski. From the outset of his debut in the competition, something just didn’t seem right. He was obviously a big guy, but unlike the other competitors he managed to have a very low body-fat percentage and looked like a comic-book bodybuilder, such was his physique.
Pudzian, as he is known, has gone on to completely dominate the sport, winning the competition in 2002, 2003, 2005, 2007 and becoming the most successful competitor ever by winning his fifth title in 2008. No wonder he is known amongst sports analysts as The Dominator.
But, more important than simply dominating the competition so completely, Pudzianowski has changed the approach of competitors and singlehandedly forced the sport to evolve into what it is today. Large essentially fat men who could lift huge weights but who had poor motility were blown away by the sheer speed of the phenomenal Pole, as many of the events require competitors to carry huge weights over certain distances. Not only could Pudzianowski compete with some of the world's best dead lifters and squatters, he was also an all-round athlete, playing rugby for his local team, competing as an amateur boxer and achieving a fourth kyu in karate.
He also competed in the Polish Dancing with the Stars TV show in early 2009.
To keep up with such a dedicated and driven individual, professional strongmen now enlist the services of professional dieticians, nutritionists and specialist coaches. A science has now evolved and transformed what was once a sideshow into arguably the most intense and demanding sport there is.
The next step for Pudzianowski now comes on December 11 in Warsaw, where, having signed up to Polish promoter Konfrontacja Sztuk Walki (KSW), he makes his debut in Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighting against fellow MMA novice Marcin Najman, a one-time contender for the Polish heavyweight boxing title. This has come about due to Mariusz's popularity in Poland and is sure to attract a full house at the 5,000 capacity Torwar Arena.
How this pans out I’m not sure, but the move hardly comes as a surprise. I personally do not watch MMA or UFC as it seems produced simply for its car-crash and bloodlust value.
Eight-ounce boxing gloves are replaced by mitts that offer little protection in the search for brutal knockouts, of which there are plenty. But one thing is for certain, in looking to increase the sport's appeal, the marketers know exactly how to get people excited.
But if Pudzianowski should prove adept at beating people senseless in a cage, then what would that say about the sport of MMA and the promotional rhetoric that it is not about the brutality but the high-skill levels at various martial arts? I think MMA faces a danger of exposing itself if the strongest man in the world can take on and beat MMA champions.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Thursday, 3 December 2009
A Knockout Blow for Calzaghes Legacy?
Whether or not Joe Calzaghe has felt any physical pain over the last month he must certainly be smarting, as unusually within the world of boxing his resume has been almost completely discredited and has turned into a who’s who of boxers who were either in complete decline or who never produced at the top level and he hasnt even been in the ring. Without even stepping into the ring the 46-0 fighter who was a world champion and title holder for little over 10 years at Super Middle Weight has watched his achievements be undermined significantly, and he only has himself to blame.
The shame of the whole issue is that Calzaghe was a worthy world champion, an extremely effective and well conditioned fighter. He put together some very good performances. But when you look at his record now there is not even one defining fight against a top level boxer in his prime.
Talk of being considered an all time great alongside the likes of Leonard and Duran could not be further from peoples’ minds when perusing their respective list of achievements. The irony of the whole situation is that in protecting his unbeaten record Calzaghe has left so many question marks over his career that it was being debated by boxing fans how good he actually was before he even retired.
Calzaghe has always pointed to four fights that prove he was world class and the best fighter at his weight at his time; Hopkins, Roy Jones Junior, Lacy and Kessler.
Hopkins was beaten by a debatable split decision and had Calzaghe down hard in the first round. Let’s not forget that Hopkins was 43 years old at the time a full 15 years past his title bout with Roy JJ in one of the most physically demanding sports there is. There’s no doubting that Hopkins is still a good fighter after his schooling of the previously heralded Kelly Pavlik, but what would a 15 years younger Hopkins have done to Calzaghe? And why was the fight not made earlier?
Jeff Lacy was a fighter who never lived up to the hype that usually goes with unbeaten American prospects, unbeaten when he faced Calzaghe his career at the prime age of 32 has not got anywhere near the top level.
In the last few weeks Kessler who was unbeaten when he faced Calzaghe was comprehensively outpointed by American Pro novice Andre Ward who was in his 21st pro fight. As good as Ward promises to be Kessler looked one dimensional and out of ideas. He certainly has work to do to prove himself a worthy world level scalp on Calzaghes record and only time will tell.
Finally we have Roy Jones Junior who this evening in Australia was stopped after only 1:58 of his title bout against the Australian IBO cruiserweight belt holder Danny Green after being floored heavily with a right hand. There is no way that this should detract from what Roy JJ has achieved in his career, but what it does show is that he is no where near the fighter he was in 1993 when he beat Hopkins for the vacant IBF Middleweight title. The slide probably began with his back to back defeats to Tarver (twice) interspersed with a defeat to Johnson in 2004. Since then Roy JJ has looked a shadow of his former self but still took Calzaghe the distance in 2008.
Calzaghes protection of his unbeaten record has cost him dearly, for all the adulation he receives in the UK, history will judge him on the quality of opposition he faced. Of that there was not a great deal in the first place, but recently the few fighters that Joe claimed were world class have been exposed as either not good enough to be considered top contenders or simply well past their best. Boxing is a risky business and you can only be judged to be as good as the risks you have taken and triumphed from. Unfortunately for Joe and his fans he seems to have taken little risk and what he is left with now is a resume that may read unbeaten but with not even one fight against a worthy top level opponent in their prime.
The shame of the whole issue is that Calzaghe was a worthy world champion, an extremely effective and well conditioned fighter. He put together some very good performances. But when you look at his record now there is not even one defining fight against a top level boxer in his prime.
Talk of being considered an all time great alongside the likes of Leonard and Duran could not be further from peoples’ minds when perusing their respective list of achievements. The irony of the whole situation is that in protecting his unbeaten record Calzaghe has left so many question marks over his career that it was being debated by boxing fans how good he actually was before he even retired.
Calzaghe has always pointed to four fights that prove he was world class and the best fighter at his weight at his time; Hopkins, Roy Jones Junior, Lacy and Kessler.
Hopkins was beaten by a debatable split decision and had Calzaghe down hard in the first round. Let’s not forget that Hopkins was 43 years old at the time a full 15 years past his title bout with Roy JJ in one of the most physically demanding sports there is. There’s no doubting that Hopkins is still a good fighter after his schooling of the previously heralded Kelly Pavlik, but what would a 15 years younger Hopkins have done to Calzaghe? And why was the fight not made earlier?
Jeff Lacy was a fighter who never lived up to the hype that usually goes with unbeaten American prospects, unbeaten when he faced Calzaghe his career at the prime age of 32 has not got anywhere near the top level.
In the last few weeks Kessler who was unbeaten when he faced Calzaghe was comprehensively outpointed by American Pro novice Andre Ward who was in his 21st pro fight. As good as Ward promises to be Kessler looked one dimensional and out of ideas. He certainly has work to do to prove himself a worthy world level scalp on Calzaghes record and only time will tell.
Finally we have Roy Jones Junior who this evening in Australia was stopped after only 1:58 of his title bout against the Australian IBO cruiserweight belt holder Danny Green after being floored heavily with a right hand. There is no way that this should detract from what Roy JJ has achieved in his career, but what it does show is that he is no where near the fighter he was in 1993 when he beat Hopkins for the vacant IBF Middleweight title. The slide probably began with his back to back defeats to Tarver (twice) interspersed with a defeat to Johnson in 2004. Since then Roy JJ has looked a shadow of his former self but still took Calzaghe the distance in 2008.
Calzaghes protection of his unbeaten record has cost him dearly, for all the adulation he receives in the UK, history will judge him on the quality of opposition he faced. Of that there was not a great deal in the first place, but recently the few fighters that Joe claimed were world class have been exposed as either not good enough to be considered top contenders or simply well past their best. Boxing is a risky business and you can only be judged to be as good as the risks you have taken and triumphed from. Unfortunately for Joe and his fans he seems to have taken little risk and what he is left with now is a resume that may read unbeaten but with not even one fight against a worthy top level opponent in their prime.
The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist
Was Henrys blatant Handball in the recent world cup play off game really out of character?
Gerard Houllier has waded into the Henry Handball argument recently with his ‘Henry is not a cheat’ comment. Arsene Wenger is also adamant that Henry is ‘not that sort of player’ (The same Arsene Wenger that was annoyed that Martin Taylor was called ‘not that sort of player’ after the accidental leg break to Eduardo last season calling it a comment that ‘essentially means nothing’)
Henry blatantly handled the ball when the opportunity arose; he then gallingly celebrated the goal to further hoodwink the referee into this work of fiction he was making up as he went along. He also sat with Irish players after the game in an attempt to perhaps look earnest in his attempts at consolation.
He went on to explain his feelings of “abandonment”, and being “truly alone”, for a few days after the match to French Sports Paper L’Equipe and also mentioned that he had considered quitting the game altogether as a result of the issue.
There is also the matter of his press release offering to replay the game hours after FIFA had said this wasn’t an option.
In response to Houllier I say this. Henry is a cheat, a very obvious cheat at that. In fact this whole argument has sprung up because he cheated; he cheated Ireland out of a world cup place and cheated France into one. I saw it, as did millions of other people. And his behaviour in the wake of this has been nothing short of that of a guilty man attempting to cover up what he has done and protect his marketability with continuing acts of childlike insincerity.
But what does Thierry Henry stand for as a footballer? Is he this bastion of all that is good in the game who should not be judged harshly by this one aberration as we are being told by the experts?
This is a man who despite having 2 years remaining upon his Arsenal contract ‘demanded’ a 5 million pound signing on bonus in 2006 (he was already under contract having signed an improved deal 2 years previously) and pay rise to £5 million for what was going to be his final season (Demanding £10 million in total for one season), otherwise he would leave to play for another club there and then. This to the club he ‘loves’ and is never afraid of telling people how much so.
This is also the man who feigned injury to win a free kick in a world cup game against Spain in 2006 by clutching his face (despite replays clearly showing no contact between Carlos Puyol and Henrys face) then avoiding answering questions about it when pressed after the game. He did the same in the champions’ league final of that year, again, with Carlos Puyol on the receiving end of his deception.
FIFA are claiming that the cheating element is ancillary to the whole debate of who qualifies for the World Cup despite the fact that they have been pushing a fair play drive specifically for these play off games. For them to then have to defend Henry for celebrating such an obvious foul to further cheat the referee and game would clearly not sit well with them, but would act as a brilliant microscope through which the hypocrisy of this corrupt organisation would be further revealed, if only to a small extent.
For someone with such dubious loyalty to the ‘club he loves’ and an outspoken advocate of harsh bans to those who win by cheating. (comments made in 2006 following the champions league final where he also said “Marquez and Puyol cheated, I don’t have the mentality to cheat. Maybe that’s my mistake.”) This cannot tarnish his reputation but merely enforce just what sort of cheat he is; the sort who doesn’t want anybody else to find out.
Ironically FIFA would do well to utilize the talents of such an individual to act as a spokesman on their behalf.
‘Welcome to FIFA; We’re ruining the game, making as much money as we can, ignoring anybody who questions what we do and you lot are paying for it’
Gerard Houllier has waded into the Henry Handball argument recently with his ‘Henry is not a cheat’ comment. Arsene Wenger is also adamant that Henry is ‘not that sort of player’ (The same Arsene Wenger that was annoyed that Martin Taylor was called ‘not that sort of player’ after the accidental leg break to Eduardo last season calling it a comment that ‘essentially means nothing’)
Henry blatantly handled the ball when the opportunity arose; he then gallingly celebrated the goal to further hoodwink the referee into this work of fiction he was making up as he went along. He also sat with Irish players after the game in an attempt to perhaps look earnest in his attempts at consolation.
He went on to explain his feelings of “abandonment”, and being “truly alone”, for a few days after the match to French Sports Paper L’Equipe and also mentioned that he had considered quitting the game altogether as a result of the issue.
There is also the matter of his press release offering to replay the game hours after FIFA had said this wasn’t an option.
In response to Houllier I say this. Henry is a cheat, a very obvious cheat at that. In fact this whole argument has sprung up because he cheated; he cheated Ireland out of a world cup place and cheated France into one. I saw it, as did millions of other people. And his behaviour in the wake of this has been nothing short of that of a guilty man attempting to cover up what he has done and protect his marketability with continuing acts of childlike insincerity.
But what does Thierry Henry stand for as a footballer? Is he this bastion of all that is good in the game who should not be judged harshly by this one aberration as we are being told by the experts?
This is a man who despite having 2 years remaining upon his Arsenal contract ‘demanded’ a 5 million pound signing on bonus in 2006 (he was already under contract having signed an improved deal 2 years previously) and pay rise to £5 million for what was going to be his final season (Demanding £10 million in total for one season), otherwise he would leave to play for another club there and then. This to the club he ‘loves’ and is never afraid of telling people how much so.
This is also the man who feigned injury to win a free kick in a world cup game against Spain in 2006 by clutching his face (despite replays clearly showing no contact between Carlos Puyol and Henrys face) then avoiding answering questions about it when pressed after the game. He did the same in the champions’ league final of that year, again, with Carlos Puyol on the receiving end of his deception.
FIFA are claiming that the cheating element is ancillary to the whole debate of who qualifies for the World Cup despite the fact that they have been pushing a fair play drive specifically for these play off games. For them to then have to defend Henry for celebrating such an obvious foul to further cheat the referee and game would clearly not sit well with them, but would act as a brilliant microscope through which the hypocrisy of this corrupt organisation would be further revealed, if only to a small extent.
For someone with such dubious loyalty to the ‘club he loves’ and an outspoken advocate of harsh bans to those who win by cheating. (comments made in 2006 following the champions league final where he also said “Marquez and Puyol cheated, I don’t have the mentality to cheat. Maybe that’s my mistake.”) This cannot tarnish his reputation but merely enforce just what sort of cheat he is; the sort who doesn’t want anybody else to find out.
Ironically FIFA would do well to utilize the talents of such an individual to act as a spokesman on their behalf.
‘Welcome to FIFA; We’re ruining the game, making as much money as we can, ignoring anybody who questions what we do and you lot are paying for it’
Monday, 2 November 2009
Roy Keane fails in bid to avert strike action
Roy Keane was in his usual quirky mood this evening following on from his Ipswich sides comprehensive 1-0 defeat of Derby County. The result hammered home Keanes’ managerial qualities and finally silenced his doubters with this; his sides first win in 15, which leaves them rooted to the bottom of the division. The mood soon changed however when the consideration changed area of interest from footballing matters to those of a more pertinent and pressing nature.
The journalists present were only too eager to utilize such an excellent opportunity to examine the scrupulous intellect of Keane upon the impeding postal crisis and industrial action posed by the CWU and demanded answers from the cork native as to where the answers lay.
When pressed Keane finally confirmed that he had indeed waded into the CWU working conditions debate earlier in the week and held face to face meetings with the Union leader Billy Hayes in an eleventh hour attempt to avert the prearranged walk outs.
Unfortunately, Keane confided to the assembled media correspondents he had been unsuccessful as his working condition reviews were discarded off hand and described as laughable, and at best piecemeal offerings by a toothless intermediary. It was however at this point that things turned violent, with echoes of the Coal miners’ strikes that once blighted the nation.
“I’m a laid back kind of a guy most of the time but the disrespect shown to me that afternoon was simply unacceptable” said Keane “I offered what I thought were reasonable changes and reviews to working conditions, pay and benefits and yet these propositions were simply thrown straight back in my face!”
The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed exclusively to the gathered media exactly what happened following on directly from this. Billy Hayes launched himself into an extremely aggressive confutation of Keanes proposals, screaming;
“Roy Keane, this is simply a Fronti nulla fides from a charlatan offering that which he has neither the authority to, nor the intellectual capacity to fully understand the repercussions of. Roy, you're a liar … you're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a debater, I don't rate you as a messenger, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your proposals up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the representative of the fucking Royal Mail! You can stick it up your bollocks!”
Roy Keane at this point concedes that what The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed to be fully truthful.
“Yes, its exactly how it went down, to be honest I just saw red and I responded the only way I know how to; I'd waited long enough. I fucking hit Hayes hard. The contract proposals were there (I think). Take that you cunt. And don't ever stand over me sneering about false messengers. Even in the car home afterwards, I had no remorse. My attitude was, fuck him. What goes around comes around. He got his just rewards. He fucked me over and my attitude is an eye for an eye.”
After the furor had died down over Keanes failure to thrash out a mutually acceptable treaty, he was asked whether he saw him self becoming embroiled in any further political work in the near future.
To this Keane diplomatically answered, “For now I’m just happy being a successful football manager.”
The journalists present were only too eager to utilize such an excellent opportunity to examine the scrupulous intellect of Keane upon the impeding postal crisis and industrial action posed by the CWU and demanded answers from the cork native as to where the answers lay.
When pressed Keane finally confirmed that he had indeed waded into the CWU working conditions debate earlier in the week and held face to face meetings with the Union leader Billy Hayes in an eleventh hour attempt to avert the prearranged walk outs.
Unfortunately, Keane confided to the assembled media correspondents he had been unsuccessful as his working condition reviews were discarded off hand and described as laughable, and at best piecemeal offerings by a toothless intermediary. It was however at this point that things turned violent, with echoes of the Coal miners’ strikes that once blighted the nation.
“I’m a laid back kind of a guy most of the time but the disrespect shown to me that afternoon was simply unacceptable” said Keane “I offered what I thought were reasonable changes and reviews to working conditions, pay and benefits and yet these propositions were simply thrown straight back in my face!”
The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed exclusively to the gathered media exactly what happened following on directly from this. Billy Hayes launched himself into an extremely aggressive confutation of Keanes proposals, screaming;
“Roy Keane, this is simply a Fronti nulla fides from a charlatan offering that which he has neither the authority to, nor the intellectual capacity to fully understand the repercussions of. Roy, you're a liar … you're a fucking wanker. I didn't rate you as a debater, I don't rate you as a messenger, and I don't rate you as a person. You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your proposals up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the representative of the fucking Royal Mail! You can stick it up your bollocks!”
Roy Keane at this point concedes that what The Altrincham Tactical Strike Unit revealed to be fully truthful.
“Yes, its exactly how it went down, to be honest I just saw red and I responded the only way I know how to; I'd waited long enough. I fucking hit Hayes hard. The contract proposals were there (I think). Take that you cunt. And don't ever stand over me sneering about false messengers. Even in the car home afterwards, I had no remorse. My attitude was, fuck him. What goes around comes around. He got his just rewards. He fucked me over and my attitude is an eye for an eye.”
After the furor had died down over Keanes failure to thrash out a mutually acceptable treaty, he was asked whether he saw him self becoming embroiled in any further political work in the near future.
To this Keane diplomatically answered, “For now I’m just happy being a successful football manager.”
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Critical Torres Questions UK economic policy
Liverpool FC striker and spainish international Fernando Torres broke his silence this week over his fears about the ongoing financial crisis in the UK and the governments response towards it.
“It gets to a point when you have to say enough is enough. So far the UK government has ploughed 175 billion of your sterlings into the economy to encourage banks to lend, despite having already bailed them out in the first place. And now we hear that there is to be another round of this ‘Quantative Easing’, which could put another 50 billion straight into the economy at the behest of business leaders and major financial institutions.”
“But the problem I have with all of this is that the money would appear to already be there, and put simply, its not more money that is the answer, at least not to my mind. No, I’ve been an avid student of economic policy for some time now and am in full agreement with David Kern, chief economist at the British Chambers of Commerce, who has put forward proposals to charge banks on deposits they are sitting on at the moment and refusing to lend out. Although I guess the worry then would be that the banks would simply put any of those costs incurred straight back onto the customer. It’s a tough one to call it really is. It makes me thankfull i'm just a footballer, it really does!”
“It gets to a point when you have to say enough is enough. So far the UK government has ploughed 175 billion of your sterlings into the economy to encourage banks to lend, despite having already bailed them out in the first place. And now we hear that there is to be another round of this ‘Quantative Easing’, which could put another 50 billion straight into the economy at the behest of business leaders and major financial institutions.”
“But the problem I have with all of this is that the money would appear to already be there, and put simply, its not more money that is the answer, at least not to my mind. No, I’ve been an avid student of economic policy for some time now and am in full agreement with David Kern, chief economist at the British Chambers of Commerce, who has put forward proposals to charge banks on deposits they are sitting on at the moment and refusing to lend out. Although I guess the worry then would be that the banks would simply put any of those costs incurred straight back onto the customer. It’s a tough one to call it really is. It makes me thankfull i'm just a footballer, it really does!”
Friday, 30 October 2009
Just Judge Geoffrey Boycotts Faltering Foreign Finisher
Geoffrey Boycott today launched a blistering attack on Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov.
'BLASTED'
Geoffrey branded the Bulgarian hitman a 'disgrace' following his big money move to Old Trafford over the Summer.
'UNDERSKILLED MIGRANTS'
The outspoken former Yorkshire bighitter labelled the frontman an 'expensive mistake' on his personal website
'NOT FROM MY NECK O T'WOODS'
Yorkshires favorite son who is a Manchester United formerly in Lancashire fan is sure to cause friction amongst the playing squad over the form of the 30 million pound signing.
'IS ANYBODY LISTENING?'
Geoffrey Boycott is from Yorkshire
'BLASTED'
Geoffrey branded the Bulgarian hitman a 'disgrace' following his big money move to Old Trafford over the Summer.
'UNDERSKILLED MIGRANTS'
The outspoken former Yorkshire bighitter labelled the frontman an 'expensive mistake' on his personal website
'NOT FROM MY NECK O T'WOODS'
Yorkshires favorite son who is a Manchester United formerly in Lancashire fan is sure to cause friction amongst the playing squad over the form of the 30 million pound signing.
'IS ANYBODY LISTENING?'
Geoffrey Boycott is from Yorkshire
Friday, 23 October 2009
Jensen Button talks of 'great friendship'
“Hes been helping me out ever since my first glorious Seven races streched my lead in the drivers championship over the horizon. I first found him underneath the bodywork of my car whilst the crew were out having a fag break. There he was with a hammer going over my engine and breaking system for me with vigor. When I caught him, he was shocked and looked aghast, but he soon came clean and admitted the truth… He was only making my engine super better and dead fast for me! Just like he told me he did to his own car last year when he won the championship of the world of car racing. Honestly, what a guy!”
“Its been clear to me for some time just what a great guy Lewis Hamilton is, ever since he went straight to the newspapers to let as many people as possible know that he was leaving the UK to avoid attention and publicity. I for one can understand his predicament as he gets so much attention in the mass media as it is, it must really be frustrating, especially when you cant look at things such as large banking and financial institutions, car manufacturers, watch makers, electronic goods producers, drinks and food distributors, toy makers and many more without seeing your own face all over them, on TV, internet and billboards.”
“No wonder he needed to get away from all this attention. And a further measure of the man, as if it were needed was when I finally won the offical world best car driver of the world in Brazil, when Lewis came up to me he was crying like a baby, even I wasn’t that pleased! And I won it!”
“Its been clear to me for some time just what a great guy Lewis Hamilton is, ever since he went straight to the newspapers to let as many people as possible know that he was leaving the UK to avoid attention and publicity. I for one can understand his predicament as he gets so much attention in the mass media as it is, it must really be frustrating, especially when you cant look at things such as large banking and financial institutions, car manufacturers, watch makers, electronic goods producers, drinks and food distributors, toy makers and many more without seeing your own face all over them, on TV, internet and billboards.”
“No wonder he needed to get away from all this attention. And a further measure of the man, as if it were needed was when I finally won the offical world best car driver of the world in Brazil, when Lewis came up to me he was crying like a baby, even I wasn’t that pleased! And I won it!”
Diversion from football causes mind detour
A football manager was wheeled into a european pre match press conference today in a parambulatory device, complete in an adult romper suit. He proceeded to throw toy cars at reporters before initiating a screaming fit and being hastily pushed out by his assistants a mere five minutes into the media event.
Aparently he began to get upset by a question refering to his strange attire. At this point he bust into an even more asonishing tirade, screaming “we’re here to talk about football, yet youre more interested in asking me questions as to why im dressed like a big baby in a pram. I honestly don’t know what goes through your idiotic heads at times, honestly, it beggars belief! Where do you get these crazy ideas from?…..IDIOTS!”
The doors were slammed shut as the aging super manager was carted through an emergency exit to waiting medical staff. This cunning stunt was obviously yet another coup for the master of mind games in the mind games arms race, that has proliferated throughout the course of the fledgling EPL season as several teams traditionally considered to be outsiders vy for european places.
Respected commentator of sporting issues Andy Grey could hardly contain his delight after witnessing the scenes. “My god, just how does he do it? Every year without fail he manages to outwitt and outfox all and every pretender to his throne as the greatest human being that ever lived in the history of the universe. This was yet another curveball that will surely throw his rivals off the scent of the EPL title.”
Aparently he began to get upset by a question refering to his strange attire. At this point he bust into an even more asonishing tirade, screaming “we’re here to talk about football, yet youre more interested in asking me questions as to why im dressed like a big baby in a pram. I honestly don’t know what goes through your idiotic heads at times, honestly, it beggars belief! Where do you get these crazy ideas from?…..IDIOTS!”
The doors were slammed shut as the aging super manager was carted through an emergency exit to waiting medical staff. This cunning stunt was obviously yet another coup for the master of mind games in the mind games arms race, that has proliferated throughout the course of the fledgling EPL season as several teams traditionally considered to be outsiders vy for european places.
Respected commentator of sporting issues Andy Grey could hardly contain his delight after witnessing the scenes. “My god, just how does he do it? Every year without fail he manages to outwitt and outfox all and every pretender to his throne as the greatest human being that ever lived in the history of the universe. This was yet another curveball that will surely throw his rivals off the scent of the EPL title.”
Friday, 16 October 2009
Dealing with the real Issues
Dear Mr X
Thanks for your e-mail. I understand you're extremely unhappy with presenters such as Chris Moyles and Jonathan Ross and you feel they're of a particularly poor quality. Whilst I acknowledge your concerns, the range of tastes and opinions held by our audience is so diverse that it's inevitable some viewers will dislike or disapprove of certain presenters. It's a very rare TV or radio personality who meets with everyone's approval, and it's clear that opinions on individual presenters can vary considerably.
Presenters, such as Chris and Jonathan, are appointed on the basis of their experience and talent, but judgements are often subjective and we would never expect everyone to agree with every choice we make. However I note the strength of your feelings in relation this matter and can assure you that I've registered your complaint on our audience log.
This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.Thanks again for taking the time to contact us.RegardsGerald McCuskerBBC Complaints
Thanks for your e-mail. I understand you're extremely unhappy with presenters such as Chris Moyles and Jonathan Ross and you feel they're of a particularly poor quality. Whilst I acknowledge your concerns, the range of tastes and opinions held by our audience is so diverse that it's inevitable some viewers will dislike or disapprove of certain presenters. It's a very rare TV or radio personality who meets with everyone's approval, and it's clear that opinions on individual presenters can vary considerably.
Presenters, such as Chris and Jonathan, are appointed on the basis of their experience and talent, but judgements are often subjective and we would never expect everyone to agree with every choice we make. However I note the strength of your feelings in relation this matter and can assure you that I've registered your complaint on our audience log.
This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and also their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC.Thanks again for taking the time to contact us.RegardsGerald McCuskerBBC Complaints
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Footy fans rise above it
tranmere fans
06/10/09
"Barnes, fuck off you useless wanker"
"Barnes is a disgrace"
"Barnes is a fat usless bastard"
"Barnes should never work in football again"
"Barnes you are a fucking disgrace"
09/10/09
"Sorry it didnt work out john good luck in life"
"Unlucky john, hope you find something"
"I wish you all the best john a true gent, youre better off out of it"
Are these fucking people serious? the same cock suckers screaming vile abuse at a man before the game even kicked off are wishing him well three days later when he gets fired.
How about fuck off you cunts. Just because people are at a footy game they think its acceptable to act like fucking dememted kids, shouting awful abuse at barnes and mcateer before the team touched the fucking ball, yet are the first to act like 'adults' and pretend 'its nothing personal'.
If some cunt was shouting at me like that id consider it to be very personal, in fact id have chinned several of those scally sub human shit bags. I'm from birkenhead and ive had a few cans so im going to call you a wanker for 90 mins thinking its fucking hilarious. I'd have been over the boards and beaten those wee scally fuckers to death with their own fucking reebok classics. FUCK YOU TRANMERE ROVERS
Footy isnt the same as being at work or any shit like that i wont use that wanky analogy of calling the boss a prick at work. But at the same time many people can go to a game of football without threatening one of the managers or shouting vile spitefull abuse at him.
honestly, for such a small group of supporters they must have the highest ratio of fucking arseholes following them in world football. Thanks for ruining the experience of watching my own team you fucking wankers, the kiddie army has taken over.
06/10/09
"Barnes, fuck off you useless wanker"
"Barnes is a disgrace"
"Barnes is a fat usless bastard"
"Barnes should never work in football again"
"Barnes you are a fucking disgrace"
09/10/09
"Sorry it didnt work out john good luck in life"
"Unlucky john, hope you find something"
"I wish you all the best john a true gent, youre better off out of it"
Are these fucking people serious? the same cock suckers screaming vile abuse at a man before the game even kicked off are wishing him well three days later when he gets fired.
How about fuck off you cunts. Just because people are at a footy game they think its acceptable to act like fucking dememted kids, shouting awful abuse at barnes and mcateer before the team touched the fucking ball, yet are the first to act like 'adults' and pretend 'its nothing personal'.
If some cunt was shouting at me like that id consider it to be very personal, in fact id have chinned several of those scally sub human shit bags. I'm from birkenhead and ive had a few cans so im going to call you a wanker for 90 mins thinking its fucking hilarious. I'd have been over the boards and beaten those wee scally fuckers to death with their own fucking reebok classics. FUCK YOU TRANMERE ROVERS
Footy isnt the same as being at work or any shit like that i wont use that wanky analogy of calling the boss a prick at work. But at the same time many people can go to a game of football without threatening one of the managers or shouting vile spitefull abuse at him.
honestly, for such a small group of supporters they must have the highest ratio of fucking arseholes following them in world football. Thanks for ruining the experience of watching my own team you fucking wankers, the kiddie army has taken over.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
63% of all statistics are made up
The headlines today are that unemployment has passed the 2.47 Million mark, 7.9% unemployment according to figures released.
Yet 6 Million are claiming unemployment benefits of some form and 750 thousand unemployed are unable to claim any benefits due to having savings of over 16,000 Pounds, so are not included in any figures.
Taking just these figures thats a total of close to 7 million unemployed in the UK, 6.75 Million.
The population of the UK stood at 61.4 Million mid 2008, of that the economically active account for those of a working age, Just over 49 Million. That gives us a more realistic unemployment figure of 14%.
Thats a pretty massive number of unemployed, anything to rival some of the most shambolic eastern European free market economies in the wake of their change from plan led systems.
This doesn’t even begin to take into account those in relationships who cannot claim any benefits or those in full time education on courses that are designed simply to manipulate figures and postpone the inevitable.
More annoyingly I was watching a show last night about some smug shits trying to buy property to then rent it back at exorbitant rates to the people who actually wanted to live in the area (having been brought up there) but couldn’t afford to get on the ladder because of second home owners and property developers. They were offering well below asking price for the properties stating ‘the current economic crisis’ as justifications for such predatory behaviour.
They then went on to criticise the current owners for not realising a good deal, and not ‘seeing the bigger picture’. Basically condemning people for not allowing themselves to be ripped off, and not lining their own already swelled pockets. These so called property investors and developers were a couple of Arseholes from London who’d got rich through working in banks. You couldn’t fucking make it up could you.
These fucking self-righteous, conceited fuckwits bollocks everything up for people who just want to have a normal life through shear unsustainable greed then come round trying to clear up after. It rubs salt into already very pussy wounds. Not everybody can be a millionaire; otherwise money wouldn’t be worth fucking anything. There’s a finite amount of all resources, and that includes money. The more one person has the less everybody else can have, its basic economics, yet the pricks in charge either don’t understand or just don’t fucking care.
Yet 6 Million are claiming unemployment benefits of some form and 750 thousand unemployed are unable to claim any benefits due to having savings of over 16,000 Pounds, so are not included in any figures.
Taking just these figures thats a total of close to 7 million unemployed in the UK, 6.75 Million.
The population of the UK stood at 61.4 Million mid 2008, of that the economically active account for those of a working age, Just over 49 Million. That gives us a more realistic unemployment figure of 14%.
Thats a pretty massive number of unemployed, anything to rival some of the most shambolic eastern European free market economies in the wake of their change from plan led systems.
This doesn’t even begin to take into account those in relationships who cannot claim any benefits or those in full time education on courses that are designed simply to manipulate figures and postpone the inevitable.
More annoyingly I was watching a show last night about some smug shits trying to buy property to then rent it back at exorbitant rates to the people who actually wanted to live in the area (having been brought up there) but couldn’t afford to get on the ladder because of second home owners and property developers. They were offering well below asking price for the properties stating ‘the current economic crisis’ as justifications for such predatory behaviour.
They then went on to criticise the current owners for not realising a good deal, and not ‘seeing the bigger picture’. Basically condemning people for not allowing themselves to be ripped off, and not lining their own already swelled pockets. These so called property investors and developers were a couple of Arseholes from London who’d got rich through working in banks. You couldn’t fucking make it up could you.
These fucking self-righteous, conceited fuckwits bollocks everything up for people who just want to have a normal life through shear unsustainable greed then come round trying to clear up after. It rubs salt into already very pussy wounds. Not everybody can be a millionaire; otherwise money wouldn’t be worth fucking anything. There’s a finite amount of all resources, and that includes money. The more one person has the less everybody else can have, its basic economics, yet the pricks in charge either don’t understand or just don’t fucking care.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Tough times call for extreme measures
John Sitton further underlines just why he holds such legendary status. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... The Sittonator.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Management Guru shows us some tricks of the trade
John Sitton allowed cameras into the dressing room, to allow a glimpse into the sensitive world of personnel management.
WHAT JOHN SITTON DID NEXT
(Taken from the Guardian Wednesday 15 November 2006)
Sadly, and despite online petitions, Sitton is once again out of football after a brief stint as head coach of Leyton FC at the beginning of this season. "It was the second time I had been there, and basically it was a case of going back by popular demand among the players and coaches," says Sitton. "But it was short-lived: the chairman dragged me into his room after four games, of which we had won three and drawn one, and I just thought 'if it's going to be like this then it's best to walk away now on good terms'."
Instead, Sitton is now self-employed as a black cab driver and also works part-time for the Press Association compiling statistics for the Opta Index. He has had just three jobs in football since leaving Leyton Orient - with Leyton, Enfield, and Leyton again, and admits he was stunned at how quickly football turned its back on him after the documentary. "I made in excess of 60 applications for different jobs, all unsuccessful and by the end I was very bitter, twisted and disillusioned," he adds. "But I got caught out using the kind of language that is now accepted everywhere and which has earned Gordon Ramsay an eight-figure sum.
"What's upsetting is that other people say racist things and yet I see their careers go very well - Ron Atkinson is on TV every week telling some manager how to run their team; others take bungs, which I always avoided, and succeed just as well. What did I do? I screamed at a bunch of what I felt were overpaid underachievers."
Sitton does regret losing his cool, saying he was "embarrassed" for his family when the footage came out, and attributing his lapse in part to the greater difficulties of a club where financial hardship had left him filling several roles. But for all the grief that football has given him, it is clear Sitton still longs for what he has lost. "Football is a filthy profession, swimming in filth; who would want to be a part of it?" he protests at one point, but just moments later the guard falls. "It still hurts," he confesses when asked if he misses the game. "My missus keeps saying to me she's still waiting for me to be happy. She does everything for me to be happy, but it's still not there. You never stop missing that rush."
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Random acts of violence
Secretary of State for Culture Ben Bradshaw today set wheels in motion to revive the death penalty in the UK for people who use Random as an Adjective.
Speaking to us earlier, he explained why the government had decided to take such drastic action.
“I was in the Tate the other day looking at picassos Nude woman with necklace, when some cunt pipes up from behind me with, ““That looks random””. I won’t lie to you, I went fucking bezerk”.
“As one of Picassos finest works of Surrealism I think there are far more appropriate ways to describe such a piece in all honesty. For me perhaps its the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur. And lets not forget that André Breton was explicit in his assertion that Surrealism was above all a revolutionary movement. Yet here I found it being reduced to one lazy, tiring word; The over reliance of this particular word by a generation of gormless gobshites who seem to think they’re somehow adding to some sort of bohemian social movement by using random to describe just about every single fucking thing going, is basically going to drive me fucking mental. Sooner, rather than later.
“I’m sick to the fucking back teeth of it” he went on to add, “these bastards calling things ‘Random’ “”oh look at that random dog, oh isn't she random, oh aren't those fucking jeans fucking random””. Bollocks. That dogs a fucking poodle, its meant to fucking look like that you cunt. She's got a spinal disorder, hence her bad posture, those jeans are meant to be making some sort of fashion statement by incorporating sequins. I cannot for the life of me understand how random even begins to describe any of this. It absolutely baffles me. It really does!”
“It seems to have become acceptable within certain media circles to use this word ad nauseum as if its somehow stylish to do so. You know the sorts of crap I’m talking about, people who clearly have little to no education and zero personality, but have somehow fallen into some show or other on television or radio and managed to get enough hangers on whizzing around them hanging on their every stupid word to give the impression of them being in some way humorous or worth listening to, when clearly they are pointless, mindless, talentless bastards”
“Anyway, bollocks, I’ve had enough, the next prick to use that fucking word to describe something within earshot of me or my new task force is going to made an example of. Honestly, I will fucking kill the next bastard to do so, I fucking will, fuck em, its gone too far.”
Speaking to us earlier, he explained why the government had decided to take such drastic action.
“I was in the Tate the other day looking at picassos Nude woman with necklace, when some cunt pipes up from behind me with, ““That looks random””. I won’t lie to you, I went fucking bezerk”.
“As one of Picassos finest works of Surrealism I think there are far more appropriate ways to describe such a piece in all honesty. For me perhaps its the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur. And lets not forget that André Breton was explicit in his assertion that Surrealism was above all a revolutionary movement. Yet here I found it being reduced to one lazy, tiring word; The over reliance of this particular word by a generation of gormless gobshites who seem to think they’re somehow adding to some sort of bohemian social movement by using random to describe just about every single fucking thing going, is basically going to drive me fucking mental. Sooner, rather than later.
“I’m sick to the fucking back teeth of it” he went on to add, “these bastards calling things ‘Random’ “”oh look at that random dog, oh isn't she random, oh aren't those fucking jeans fucking random””. Bollocks. That dogs a fucking poodle, its meant to fucking look like that you cunt. She's got a spinal disorder, hence her bad posture, those jeans are meant to be making some sort of fashion statement by incorporating sequins. I cannot for the life of me understand how random even begins to describe any of this. It absolutely baffles me. It really does!”
“It seems to have become acceptable within certain media circles to use this word ad nauseum as if its somehow stylish to do so. You know the sorts of crap I’m talking about, people who clearly have little to no education and zero personality, but have somehow fallen into some show or other on television or radio and managed to get enough hangers on whizzing around them hanging on their every stupid word to give the impression of them being in some way humorous or worth listening to, when clearly they are pointless, mindless, talentless bastards”
“Anyway, bollocks, I’ve had enough, the next prick to use that fucking word to describe something within earshot of me or my new task force is going to made an example of. Honestly, I will fucking kill the next bastard to do so, I fucking will, fuck em, its gone too far.”
Monday, 7 September 2009
Master of Deception reveals secrets
Derren brown the illusionist and trickster this week lifted the lid on his secrets and blew away the mystique that surrounds his supposedly improbable tricks and conjuring.
"The explanation is quite simple to be honest and when I reveal just how I manage to bamboozle, bewilder and baffle people in the manner which I do, people will literally kick themselves for overlooking such an obvious resolution."
"Back in 1995 I as looking for inspiration from a strong willed individual with strength of conviction and immense mental fortitude, that person was Kevin Keegan. I used to follow his press conferences and eaves drop on his half time team talks, I thought to myself this guy has it all, he could encourage, get the team working as one, and was focused beyond compare."
"But all that began to change that Christmas as someone I can only describe as having telepathic or other para-psychological ability came onto the scene and before a nations very eyes and ears systematically destroyed Kevin Keegas mind, a man previously thought to be unbreakable, or ‘bomb-proof’, leading to his famous ‘I would love it’ outburst followed by a mental breakdown and subsequent Sectioning in a secure unit."
"That man as we all know is the master of mind games himself, Alex Ferguson. A magician among mere mortals."
"I have been studying under the great man now for many years, learning how to manipulate peoples minds and create whatever illusions and false realities I choose. I once made Bobby Davro think that Barry and Paul Chuckle were trying to kill him with a spoon, and if you think that’s good, all this was going on on the surface of the moon! As far as Bavro was concerned in any event; and all this was made possible due to Alex Fergusons tips and other worldly Faculties."
"Its not hard to see how he amazingly enlisted the help of portly football genius Sam Allardyce to completely perplex Rafael Benitez recently. He had completely lost the plot, as he sat there calmly reading out a list of things that actually happened, or facts as he crazily referred to them as, it was obvious to all and every football pundit that he had gone totally bananas! I mean he could have started throwing his own faeces around and looked calmer, the man was insanity personified. And as we all know its down that great man Alex Ferguson yet again."
"The explanation is quite simple to be honest and when I reveal just how I manage to bamboozle, bewilder and baffle people in the manner which I do, people will literally kick themselves for overlooking such an obvious resolution."
"Back in 1995 I as looking for inspiration from a strong willed individual with strength of conviction and immense mental fortitude, that person was Kevin Keegan. I used to follow his press conferences and eaves drop on his half time team talks, I thought to myself this guy has it all, he could encourage, get the team working as one, and was focused beyond compare."
"But all that began to change that Christmas as someone I can only describe as having telepathic or other para-psychological ability came onto the scene and before a nations very eyes and ears systematically destroyed Kevin Keegas mind, a man previously thought to be unbreakable, or ‘bomb-proof’, leading to his famous ‘I would love it’ outburst followed by a mental breakdown and subsequent Sectioning in a secure unit."
"That man as we all know is the master of mind games himself, Alex Ferguson. A magician among mere mortals."
"I have been studying under the great man now for many years, learning how to manipulate peoples minds and create whatever illusions and false realities I choose. I once made Bobby Davro think that Barry and Paul Chuckle were trying to kill him with a spoon, and if you think that’s good, all this was going on on the surface of the moon! As far as Bavro was concerned in any event; and all this was made possible due to Alex Fergusons tips and other worldly Faculties."
"Its not hard to see how he amazingly enlisted the help of portly football genius Sam Allardyce to completely perplex Rafael Benitez recently. He had completely lost the plot, as he sat there calmly reading out a list of things that actually happened, or facts as he crazily referred to them as, it was obvious to all and every football pundit that he had gone totally bananas! I mean he could have started throwing his own faeces around and looked calmer, the man was insanity personified. And as we all know its down that great man Alex Ferguson yet again."
Civil unrest spreads to suburbs
Police were on full alert over the weekend after disturbances in the Hothersall district of Longridge.
Police were first alerted to anti social goings on by the headmistress of Hillside residential school. “We started being bombarded by golf balls around midday, from the adjacent farm. Three young men were drinking heavily, swearing and generally behaving appallingly. It’s only through good fortune that no serious damage was done and that none of our children were hurt.”
Police attended the scene at 1 pm but could not locate the perpetrators at that time. However that was far from the end of the matter, as by 3pm the instability in the area had proliferated as far as the corporation arms on Ribchester road. Police were yet again called in, this time by the assistant manager.
“These three lads were buggering about outside in the beer garden, acting like kids, and when we asked them to calm down they just became completely unreasonable. It was quite unacceptable really, all they kept banging on about was some kind of golf ball bucket competition”.
However yet again by the time Hothersall police department responded the assailants had fled the scene.
A spate of telephone calls were recorded over the next 4 hours from anxious residents as a series of anti social events unfolded throughout Longridge. Detective Helliwell of Longridge CID who was working that day was called into action early as it was soon realized they were dealing with a crisis situation.
“Our disaster management preparedness team sprung into action as soon as we realized what was going on, and reinforcement units from Preston and a specialist firearms unit from Manchester were called in immediately; we don’t take any chances in this part of the world. From the calls that we were receiving there was a trail of destruction leading to and from Hothersall, so that’s were we instructed the Airborne units to concentrate their search”
This did nothing to arrest the shear weight of calls, as the Police switchboard was flooded throughout the night and into the small hours of the morning, with numerous sightings of a 4 door black sports car being driven recklessly with an air rifle pointing out of the passenger window.
Despite the highest concentration of police units in the area since the Ribchester field day donkey water bomb attack, Longridge Constabulary failed to make any arrests and have attributed the unrest to an ‘Unlicensed sporting event’ in the area.
Police were first alerted to anti social goings on by the headmistress of Hillside residential school. “We started being bombarded by golf balls around midday, from the adjacent farm. Three young men were drinking heavily, swearing and generally behaving appallingly. It’s only through good fortune that no serious damage was done and that none of our children were hurt.”
Police attended the scene at 1 pm but could not locate the perpetrators at that time. However that was far from the end of the matter, as by 3pm the instability in the area had proliferated as far as the corporation arms on Ribchester road. Police were yet again called in, this time by the assistant manager.
“These three lads were buggering about outside in the beer garden, acting like kids, and when we asked them to calm down they just became completely unreasonable. It was quite unacceptable really, all they kept banging on about was some kind of golf ball bucket competition”.
However yet again by the time Hothersall police department responded the assailants had fled the scene.
A spate of telephone calls were recorded over the next 4 hours from anxious residents as a series of anti social events unfolded throughout Longridge. Detective Helliwell of Longridge CID who was working that day was called into action early as it was soon realized they were dealing with a crisis situation.
“Our disaster management preparedness team sprung into action as soon as we realized what was going on, and reinforcement units from Preston and a specialist firearms unit from Manchester were called in immediately; we don’t take any chances in this part of the world. From the calls that we were receiving there was a trail of destruction leading to and from Hothersall, so that’s were we instructed the Airborne units to concentrate their search”
This did nothing to arrest the shear weight of calls, as the Police switchboard was flooded throughout the night and into the small hours of the morning, with numerous sightings of a 4 door black sports car being driven recklessly with an air rifle pointing out of the passenger window.
Despite the highest concentration of police units in the area since the Ribchester field day donkey water bomb attack, Longridge Constabulary failed to make any arrests and have attributed the unrest to an ‘Unlicensed sporting event’ in the area.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale in Hothersall *Spoiler warning*
News agencies from around the hamlet gathered at White Lion Farm Hothersall, Preston, UK over the weekend to witness the inaugural Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale. The finalists had traveled far and wide to make this prestigious competition from all corners of the globe. Gordon Mouso Brick put in the most mileage traveling from Methven Canterbury, New Zealand; Mr. Wittox had a leisurely 60 miles down the A59 from Liverpool; but the main contender and betting favorite (evens) A Gornall had to simply roll out of bed.
The crowd was here primarily to see Gornall due to his title as current ‘In off the bar from outside the 18 yard box World champion.’(In recess). A title held for a record 8 years since 2001, when it was won in monsoon conditions at St Martins all weather pitch in Lancaster; The longest ‘in off the bar’ champion the series has ever seen. It was also for this reason that Hothersall was chosen from a preferred list of international venues.
Clouds threatened rain but as the time came to tee off the threat had passed and sunshine enveloped the arena. All entrants struggled at first, putting out a series of range finders to gauge just what technique was going to work best. Underarm followed overarm and GMB even experimented with an audacious ricochet off the beech tree. In the end the competition settled down and a traditional ‘underarm lob’ was used exclusively due to the perfect weather conditions and venue setup.
The crowd were silenced after just 3 hours 36 minutes of play as the rank outsider Wittox landed a plum shot smash bang into the centre of the bucket, it had clipped the line on its way down and stukaesque dive-bombed the bucket to perfection. The resulting metallic Bang was followed by a huge collective gasp of breath from the sidelines only to be followed by a loud OOOHHHHHH, as the ball mischievously bounced straight back out of the bucket and landed on the turf, a picture of perfect impertinence.
This scene was to be repeated over the next 5 hours as the ball clipped the rim (rim job) hit the outside of the bucket (out job) and bounced out having gone in (a right bastard). This none stop action kept the crowd on the edge of their seats throughout the day, until finally Gordon Mouso Brick broke the deadlock and with it Gornalls stranglehold over the entire sport after an exhilarating 9 hours 47 minutes of play.
A delighted Brick was “Well happy” with his win and promised to continue to take the sport to the world.
The next Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale is due to be held some time this century in a venue yet to be confirmed.
The crowd was here primarily to see Gornall due to his title as current ‘In off the bar from outside the 18 yard box World champion.’(In recess). A title held for a record 8 years since 2001, when it was won in monsoon conditions at St Martins all weather pitch in Lancaster; The longest ‘in off the bar’ champion the series has ever seen. It was also for this reason that Hothersall was chosen from a preferred list of international venues.
Clouds threatened rain but as the time came to tee off the threat had passed and sunshine enveloped the arena. All entrants struggled at first, putting out a series of range finders to gauge just what technique was going to work best. Underarm followed overarm and GMB even experimented with an audacious ricochet off the beech tree. In the end the competition settled down and a traditional ‘underarm lob’ was used exclusively due to the perfect weather conditions and venue setup.
The crowd were silenced after just 3 hours 36 minutes of play as the rank outsider Wittox landed a plum shot smash bang into the centre of the bucket, it had clipped the line on its way down and stukaesque dive-bombed the bucket to perfection. The resulting metallic Bang was followed by a huge collective gasp of breath from the sidelines only to be followed by a loud OOOHHHHHH, as the ball mischievously bounced straight back out of the bucket and landed on the turf, a picture of perfect impertinence.
This scene was to be repeated over the next 5 hours as the ball clipped the rim (rim job) hit the outside of the bucket (out job) and bounced out having gone in (a right bastard). This none stop action kept the crowd on the edge of their seats throughout the day, until finally Gordon Mouso Brick broke the deadlock and with it Gornalls stranglehold over the entire sport after an exhilarating 9 hours 47 minutes of play.
A delighted Brick was “Well happy” with his win and promised to continue to take the sport to the world.
The next Golf ball in bucket over telephone line World Series Finale is due to be held some time this century in a venue yet to be confirmed.
Benitez to Redknapp “Your dad is shit!”
Rafael Benitez hit back yesterday at Jamie Redknapps apocalyptic predictions by unleashing a mighty broadside at his detractor.
“Your dad is a shit manager” Benitez blasted in front of an astonished media suite, “who the fuck do you two fucking clowns think you are, Itzamna the Mayan creator god fucking loved zonal marking and the fact that this simple fact has been circumvented by your so called factual research shows just what a sorry cunt you are, FACT!”
Benitez refused to be drawn further onto his cryptic statement regarding the current spurs manager only that he thought he “was a total wanker” and later added “I hope he fucking dies the prick” as he was dragged from Anfields press room by security men; Clearly unhappy at his restraining treatment at the hands of Liverpool FCs very own staff.
This outburst will only add to the growing rift between Rafael Benitez and the established order in the premiership, who are growing tired of Benitez upsetting the apple cart with his unorthodox methods.
This would seem to have yet again played straight into the hands of the master of mind games Alex Ferguson and looks likely to heap yet more pressure onto the manager many are saying has ‘lost it’.
“Your dad is a shit manager” Benitez blasted in front of an astonished media suite, “who the fuck do you two fucking clowns think you are, Itzamna the Mayan creator god fucking loved zonal marking and the fact that this simple fact has been circumvented by your so called factual research shows just what a sorry cunt you are, FACT!”
Benitez refused to be drawn further onto his cryptic statement regarding the current spurs manager only that he thought he “was a total wanker” and later added “I hope he fucking dies the prick” as he was dragged from Anfields press room by security men; Clearly unhappy at his restraining treatment at the hands of Liverpool FCs very own staff.
This outburst will only add to the growing rift between Rafael Benitez and the established order in the premiership, who are growing tired of Benitez upsetting the apple cart with his unorthodox methods.
This would seem to have yet again played straight into the hands of the master of mind games Alex Ferguson and looks likely to heap yet more pressure onto the manager many are saying has ‘lost it’.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Guaranteed pontoon winning system
Police foiled an attempt by scrap metal thieves to steal an eight-ton pontoon-bridge in Russia's central Penza Region, a local authority spokesman said on Monday.
The bridge was dismantled and loaded onto a truck Saturday, which was later stopped by police en route to Penza. The driver said he had been promised 8,000 rubles ($340) to deliver the bridge.
A police investigation has been launched to try and trace the thieves, who told the driver they were engineering workers.
High global prices for metal have led to an explosion in scrap metal thefts in Russia and across the world. The Penza Region was also hit last year, when another bridge was stolen by daring thieves. Although the offenders were eventually traced, the authorities were forced to replace the bridge as the metal structure had already been melted down for scrap.
The bridge was dismantled and loaded onto a truck Saturday, which was later stopped by police en route to Penza. The driver said he had been promised 8,000 rubles ($340) to deliver the bridge.
A police investigation has been launched to try and trace the thieves, who told the driver they were engineering workers.
High global prices for metal have led to an explosion in scrap metal thefts in Russia and across the world. The Penza Region was also hit last year, when another bridge was stolen by daring thieves. Although the offenders were eventually traced, the authorities were forced to replace the bridge as the metal structure had already been melted down for scrap.
Friday, 4 September 2009
Viagra leads to recklessness with small shooter
Moscow, December 2008
A man opened fire with a pistol wounding a sales assistant following a complaint over impotency tablets sold by a sex shop in downtown Moscow, a police source said on Thursday.
A man opened fire with a pistol wounding a sales assistant following a complaint over impotency tablets sold by a sex shop in downtown Moscow, a police source said on Thursday.
The police source said the incident occurred on Wednesday evening, when "The customer entered the sex shop...and began complaining about the poor quality of impotency pills that he had bought. An argument ensued during which the man shot a 30-year-old woman twice."
The woman has been admitted to hospital with gunshot wounds.
Police are investigating the crime and a search for the assailant is ongoingThursday, 3 September 2009
Dr Yes
Camera pans in towards a smouldering volcano, Thunder crashes in the background as Lightning intermittently lights up the scene.
Cuts to a huge dark hall in a classical style. Its almost pitch black, but the lightning lights up the room through the huge windows revealing ancient portraits that adorn the walls, cobwebs hang from them, covered in dust.
Huge doors at the far end of the room open slowly, creaking loudly as they strain on their hinges. A large well-dressed man walks through slowly carrying a brown suitcase. As he walks down through this huge room his shoes make loud tapping sounds as their leather impacts upon the thick bare floorboards. Eventually he stops, at the other end an open fire crackles, our view of it obscured by a large chair.
The chair slowly starts to turn; it reveals a bald, diminutive man. He strokes a white cat sitting on his lap. He looks up at his guest. His look of indifference suggests he was expecting his visitor.
"So, Meester Abramovich, ow much you got to lift da embargo innit?"
"I hear Vinny Samways is coming out of retirement in the next window, I mean of all the fucking times to do this. Just tell me what you want this time!"
"Ok, A tells ya wat, wat about ya gives us a dog to suck me cock, and me an us fifa mates let this go away innit, ay?"
Cuts to a huge dark hall in a classical style. Its almost pitch black, but the lightning lights up the room through the huge windows revealing ancient portraits that adorn the walls, cobwebs hang from them, covered in dust.
Huge doors at the far end of the room open slowly, creaking loudly as they strain on their hinges. A large well-dressed man walks through slowly carrying a brown suitcase. As he walks down through this huge room his shoes make loud tapping sounds as their leather impacts upon the thick bare floorboards. Eventually he stops, at the other end an open fire crackles, our view of it obscured by a large chair.
The chair slowly starts to turn; it reveals a bald, diminutive man. He strokes a white cat sitting on his lap. He looks up at his guest. His look of indifference suggests he was expecting his visitor.
"So, Meester Abramovich, ow much you got to lift da embargo innit?"
"I hear Vinny Samways is coming out of retirement in the next window, I mean of all the fucking times to do this. Just tell me what you want this time!"
"Ok, A tells ya wat, wat about ya gives us a dog to suck me cock, and me an us fifa mates let this go away innit, ay?"
Assessment is a two way street
WELCOME TO FRAUD NORTH NUCLEAR INC.
"Well I hope you enjoyed your two day assessment centre, and remember even if we dont offer you a job, which for 80% of you will be the case, dont worry, it hasnt been a waste of time because we will give you some feedback. So just remember to make sure to ask for some. It could ofer you some insights into your personality you handn't previously considered before"
ACT II
I was disapointed not to be offered the job, in light of this I would like to request some feedback regarding the following:-
Did I do anything "wrong”?
Was there anything I missed?
Feedback on performance in tests.
Feedback on performance in exercises.
Feedback from interview.
Feedback from presentation.
Kind regards,
Mr X.
THREE WEEKS TWO PHONE CALLS AND ANOTHER EMAIL LATER.
Dear mr x, you did well in your assessment and came in the top 5% for the verbal and numerical reasoning. I hope this feedback helps you in your future job hunting.
Faithfully, FRAUD NORTH NUCLEAR INC
"Well I hope you enjoyed your two day assessment centre, and remember even if we dont offer you a job, which for 80% of you will be the case, dont worry, it hasnt been a waste of time because we will give you some feedback. So just remember to make sure to ask for some. It could ofer you some insights into your personality you handn't previously considered before"
ACT II
I was disapointed not to be offered the job, in light of this I would like to request some feedback regarding the following:-
Did I do anything "wrong”?
Was there anything I missed?
Feedback on performance in tests.
Feedback on performance in exercises.
Feedback from interview.
Feedback from presentation.
Kind regards,
Mr X.
THREE WEEKS TWO PHONE CALLS AND ANOTHER EMAIL LATER.
Dear mr x, you did well in your assessment and came in the top 5% for the verbal and numerical reasoning. I hope this feedback helps you in your future job hunting.
Faithfully, FRAUD NORTH NUCLEAR INC
Jobs for everyone
(The scene is job centre plus)
ACT I
"Hello sir how is your job searching going"
"Well, as you can see, not great. I've been signing on for a few months now"
"Right, yes. Well lets see if we can update any of your job details on the system to help find you something suited to your skills and experience...hang on, .... ok yes. Its got here ESOL teaching, is that correct?"
"Yes thats right, that was my first choice, but ive recently been back to university and got an MSc in town planning, so would it be possible to put it down should any council positions arise?"
"Well sir, to be honest I think thats a little bit hopefull and we dont even have any teaching jobs, so have you got any other experience"
"Yes, quite a bit. I've worked in warehouses and driven vans before..."
"Ok, brilliant, ill put you down as a van driver, and warehouse worker second"
"Right, well ok I do need something, do you have any van or warehouse jobs I can do then"
"No"
ACT I
"Hello sir how is your job searching going"
"Well, as you can see, not great. I've been signing on for a few months now"
"Right, yes. Well lets see if we can update any of your job details on the system to help find you something suited to your skills and experience...hang on, .... ok yes. Its got here ESOL teaching, is that correct?"
"Yes thats right, that was my first choice, but ive recently been back to university and got an MSc in town planning, so would it be possible to put it down should any council positions arise?"
"Well sir, to be honest I think thats a little bit hopefull and we dont even have any teaching jobs, so have you got any other experience"
"Yes, quite a bit. I've worked in warehouses and driven vans before..."
"Ok, brilliant, ill put you down as a van driver, and warehouse worker second"
"Right, well ok I do need something, do you have any van or warehouse jobs I can do then"
"No"
The rise and rise of the middle man
"Hello, is that drax recruitment?"
"Yes it is sir, how can I help you?"
"I was wondering what jobs or assignments you have at the moment?"
"Sorry, we have nothing"
"Oh, right, well erm, nothing at all? I havent specifi..."
"Bye then"
"Ok, bye"
(Based on a true story)
"Yes it is sir, how can I help you?"
"I was wondering what jobs or assignments you have at the moment?"
"Sorry, we have nothing"
"Oh, right, well erm, nothing at all? I havent specifi..."
"Bye then"
"Ok, bye"
(Based on a true story)
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Homo Sapiens?
Visitors have been flocking to a zoo in the western Polish city of Poznan to catch a glimpse of an elephant, who it is claimed is homosexual, Polish media said.
The ten-year-old African Bush elephant, Nino, has had to change zoos three times in the past five years because of his aggressive behavior toward female elephants, including pushing them into the pool. However his attitude to male elephants is described as "affectionate."
"He only liked his buddies and hit the cows with his trunk, and was very disrespectful on the whole," Michal Grzes, the conservative Law and Justice (PiS) deputy for Poznan said.
Nino was sent to Warsaw Zoo, where he lived for three years, until his aggressive behavior led to his transfer to a zoo in Budapest before he once again returned to Poznan.
Grzes said that if Nino does not alter his behavior and breed, he will become "dead weight" for the zoo. He is currently being kept separate from the other animals.
However, zookeepers have not lost all hope. Nino is still young and will soon be introduced to a female from the Netherlands to try and tempt him into breeding.
The ten-year-old African Bush elephant, Nino, has had to change zoos three times in the past five years because of his aggressive behavior toward female elephants, including pushing them into the pool. However his attitude to male elephants is described as "affectionate."
"He only liked his buddies and hit the cows with his trunk, and was very disrespectful on the whole," Michal Grzes, the conservative Law and Justice (PiS) deputy for Poznan said.
Nino was sent to Warsaw Zoo, where he lived for three years, until his aggressive behavior led to his transfer to a zoo in Budapest before he once again returned to Poznan.
Grzes said that if Nino does not alter his behavior and breed, he will become "dead weight" for the zoo. He is currently being kept separate from the other animals.
However, zookeepers have not lost all hope. Nino is still young and will soon be introduced to a female from the Netherlands to try and tempt him into breeding.
Monday, 31 August 2009
Jamie Redknapp warns Rafa "Continue this madness and you WILL KILL US ALL !"
Jamie Redknapp today broke his silence about the forthcoming apocalypse and slammed Rafael Benitez for leading humanity down a path to certain destruction. An obviously upset Redknapp went on to explain as best he could under the circumstances. “Me and me dad have been saying this for a long time yet no one has been heeding our warnings. Its blatantly obvious that by persisting with zonal marking Rafael Benitez is going to directly incur the wrath of the Mayan creator god and bring about the end of civilization and the world as we know it!” Pertinently pausing for breath, Jamie strokes his furrowed brow, clearly troubled by his findings. “And if anyone should know what they’re talking about its me and me dad, we’ve been in this game a long time, but I feel I’ve stayed as silent as I could for as long as possible. Someone needs to stop this mad man putting defenders in ‘zones’ before he kills us all!, I mean who ever heard of a zone scoring a goal? Certainly not Jeff Stelling nor Chris Kamara. What more proof do people need?” Sage words indeed from the Sly Sports News pundit.
According to Redknapps research the principal creator god Itzamna was apparently perturbed that Balam the main Jaguar God protector of communities decided to introduce a ‘zone per Jaguar’ system some time in AD 267 to ensure a greater number of communities came under an umbrella of Jaguar protection. Itzamna explained to Balam that zones don’t eat people, but rather other predators or men would. However the repercussions of this were not taken particularly seriously at first as although Balam kowtowed to Itzamnas wishes, the cyclical nature of humanity as viewed by the Mayan civilisation meant that this was unlikely to be the last time that the issue of zonal marking raised its ugly head.
Upon realising this Itzamna flew into a rage and ordered Yaluk the chief lightning god to Destroy the earth and scorch its crust so that no man or beast may ever defy him in such a way again. Jamie at this point becomes much more animated, “And so now we know why the 13th and final Long Cycle calendar as created by the Mayans ends on December 21st 2012, its because Itzamna will have simply grown tired of Rafas policy of zonal marking and Yaluk will destroy the entire Earth in response to Benitez’s constant affronts and shear arrogance, Its so obvious yet no one apart from Alex Ferguson has the strength of character to put a stop to his warmongering! Its about time we stood up to Benitez and ended this sabre rattling once and for all, before we’re all dead!”
According to Redknapps research the principal creator god Itzamna was apparently perturbed that Balam the main Jaguar God protector of communities decided to introduce a ‘zone per Jaguar’ system some time in AD 267 to ensure a greater number of communities came under an umbrella of Jaguar protection. Itzamna explained to Balam that zones don’t eat people, but rather other predators or men would. However the repercussions of this were not taken particularly seriously at first as although Balam kowtowed to Itzamnas wishes, the cyclical nature of humanity as viewed by the Mayan civilisation meant that this was unlikely to be the last time that the issue of zonal marking raised its ugly head.
Upon realising this Itzamna flew into a rage and ordered Yaluk the chief lightning god to Destroy the earth and scorch its crust so that no man or beast may ever defy him in such a way again. Jamie at this point becomes much more animated, “And so now we know why the 13th and final Long Cycle calendar as created by the Mayans ends on December 21st 2012, its because Itzamna will have simply grown tired of Rafas policy of zonal marking and Yaluk will destroy the entire Earth in response to Benitez’s constant affronts and shear arrogance, Its so obvious yet no one apart from Alex Ferguson has the strength of character to put a stop to his warmongering! Its about time we stood up to Benitez and ended this sabre rattling once and for all, before we’re all dead!”
Breaking News!
Andy Townsend just pissed in a bottle and threw it at Lee Dixons car!
(S. J. Tomlinson, Alty)
(S. J. Tomlinson, Alty)
Arsene Wenger in scat outrage!
Disgruntled Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger defied critics earlier today by defending his decision to take a ‘number two’ on the home dugout during his sides 2-1 defeat at the hands of their London rivals Manchester United.
"I have absolutely no idea who you are or what you're talking about, how did you get into my kitchen?" Slammed the unapologetic Wenger
Arsene was sent to the stands after an altercation with a plastic bottle and it was at that point that things started to get out of hand. Apoplectic Man Utd fan Keith Barlow from Gatley struggled to hold back his emotions as he recalled the moment that Arsene “undid his belt, dropped his trousers and actually shat onto a plexiglass roof, inches from Alex Fergusons head!” “It lacks respect” he added solemly, as an angry mob started to gather outside Old Trafford, demanding an enquiry into what has been dubbed ‘Scatgate’.
Marcus bent was unavailable for comment following the incident.
"I have absolutely no idea who you are or what you're talking about, how did you get into my kitchen?" Slammed the unapologetic Wenger
Arsene was sent to the stands after an altercation with a plastic bottle and it was at that point that things started to get out of hand. Apoplectic Man Utd fan Keith Barlow from Gatley struggled to hold back his emotions as he recalled the moment that Arsene “undid his belt, dropped his trousers and actually shat onto a plexiglass roof, inches from Alex Fergusons head!” “It lacks respect” he added solemly, as an angry mob started to gather outside Old Trafford, demanding an enquiry into what has been dubbed ‘Scatgate’.
Marcus bent was unavailable for comment following the incident.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Planning for the worst
It is all well and good to explain and argue about what planning is setting out to achieve, and what it ought to be doing in terms of an all encompassing strategy to achieve best practice in the built environment. But for 99 percent of people planning has nothing at all to do with theory but with the very sights they see everyday. The length of time stuck in a traffic jam, whether or not they feel safe in their environs. Do the buildings make them happy, sad or indifferent? Looking back at some of the architecture from the 1960s, Brutalism is one of the most easily recognizable styles and arguably the most controversial. Many buildings of this style have managed to litter the urban form of many British cities following the clearances of bomb damaged city centres. The idea was formed by Le Corbusier ironically as an answer to a utopian society which comfortably supports its inhabitants in a pleasant surrounding, The whole idea itself that one person can in effect dictate what exactly a social utopia is, is surely inherently hypocritical. As much as I admire the works and thinking of Le Corbusier, the thought of living in a huge skyscraper town fills me with dread and I am thankful for the most part that the only people with the expertise to create such environments are the science fiction writers of comics and films such as Judge Dredd whereby the planet is covered by a series of mega cities. Alas chapter 16 of his bookthe city of tomorrow is where he attempts to justify funding for his grand schemes, this is where planning loses. Finance is a necessity, and institutions financing projects clearly want a say in what is to be built, planners cannot dictate to people what is to be built when they don’t hold the real keys to what gets built.
The huge problem of course is that planers and planning under modernist thought was that their utopias, whether it be garden cities or futuristic cities were planned on a clean slate, a slate whereby planning has overcome the greed and opportunism of the opposition, the irrational developers vying for land acquisition and use. By standing up to these planning has achieved the creation of an altruistic universe where personal wealth and consumerism may still exist but in much more watered down form and where humanity has come together, casting aside its differences and where anything can be achieved. Just look at star trek, humanity can only really evolve onto a higher plane and hope of interacting with and saving other species once it has learned to save itself. And herein lies the biggest criticism of modernist thought. It’s unrealistic.
In Liverpool itself the University hospital is a fine example of what has been left behind as a result of these ideals. Looking at this building in the dead of night from Prescott Street you may well be forgiven for thinking that you have just wandered into some form of post-apocalyptic landscape where visions of a dystopian future as set out in such films as Metropolis; where a cruel and unforgiving environment has been built to suppress the masses has evolved. As impressive as the building is, it is hardly becoming of a place where people go to recuperate. This is Brutalism; this is what capitalism has led to in a cheap way of constructing large buildings, but was it necessarily for the benefit of the social good? Nova Huta is one of only two specially built soviet show towns although there is a fascist equivalent in Eur, Roma. This estate is a Southern district of Krakow. There is no doubting that this town is ugly, built cheap the concrete high rises are far from welcoming. But the designs allow much open space and tellingly schools are placed so that most children in the district don’t have to cross one road to get there. This was a town that was planned and built for the well being of its inhabitants, capitalism couldn’t stop this one.
The Oregon experiment took place in 1973 on the back of huge unrest within Oregon University, Students regularly protested. It was felt that the actual buildings of the campus (inspired by Le Corbusier) didn’t help the feel of the community. The experiment aimed to set out a new planning thought whereby six principles are set down to create an organic order whereby the very people who live, work and are affected by an area are directly responsible for its design. This idea is a step further from the public participation that is so highly coveted at the moment. It can argued that the ugliness and uncaring of the architecture of the modernist approach is what led to the backlash of postmodernism. People wanted a say because they weren’t happy with what was being served up. You can’t create your own utopia and ask others to join you expecting them to be as thrilled as you are. Management theorist Locke showed us that to achieve the best results you need to treat people as individuals.
The RTPI states on its website that "It maintains the best of the past, whilst encouraging innovation in the design and development of future buildings and neighbourhoods to meet our future needs" By our, I assume the RTPI mean society as a whole. So why is then that the top ten percent of the population in Britain own half of all wealth while a third of families own no savings whatsoever, on a world wide scale it is far worse with two percent of the population owning half the wealth. Why are they also the 'royal' town plnning institute, hardly an advert for equality and community cohesion. When we look at this then we realise that no matter how planning has set out to achieve its goals of equilibrium, it has failed miserably, and continues to do so on an increasingly sliding scale. Sandercock opens the second chapter of her book Towards Cosmopolis, stating that professions as nations shape their members attitudes by rewriting history, exactly like the ministry of truth in Orwells book 1984 and much like school syllabuses tell us of the struggle against evil in world war 2 yet omit possibly the most successful ethnic cleansing operation to have ever taken place, by the British in Tasmania. Sandercock gives a good account of how planning has done the same thing, minorities cast aside and their voices not listened to. Unfortunately I will come back to the built environment and say that planning is guilty of these atrocities. I don’t believe it’s ever been there for the people as a whole but for those with the influence, the privileged few, who even with the best intentions cannot possibly build something for everyone.
Much has been lost and ground is conceded everyday. With every crap development that is allowed through a developer becomes richer, and another sub standard building dirties the skyline. The communitive action theorists are correct up to a point, no matter what the concept, thought or ideal was or is, it is not the perception of reality that is important but the actual reality. While applying for job recently, every planning job specifies that "you will be expected to work with developers to help them find appropriate sites" I understand that working with developers will be necessary at some point by why help them when their first priority is monetary profit? Why don’t the jobs specify liasing with communities or environmental groups? Maori society forbids the private ownership of land, asking the question; who has the right to take such a vital finite resource from others? Who claimed it in the first place as theirs? How? And how can they justify that? A quick look at the Times rich list shows many people who state property, development or land acquisition as their source of wealth. It’s no surprise.
‘The paradigm shift is here and the new wave seeks to escape from the strait jacket of a narrow instrumental reality’
The same idea of a society for people is jumping out at me through all planning mind sets and yet it is not being achieved. Communicative theorists see the basis of communicative operation revolving around discussion, deliberation and interaction. This isn’t a new idea, far from it. But why does it still fail?
‘Ultimately, planning theory oriented to conflict and to democratic compromise is likely to support more democratic planning practices and outcomes than an orientation to consensus’
It is this idea of consensus which comes in for some pretty heavy criticism, as it is felt that those with power make the decisions and not, as idealised, the majority decision. Look at major decisions in the UK for examples. Heathrow and Manchester runways were hugely opposed by hundreds of thousands of residents and environmental protesters. There is no doubt that the economic benefits are huge and will help the economy grow, but there it is. Power makes the decisions and money does equal power. When it comes down to it the Deputy Prime Minister has the final say, and this government as with any other, is all bought and paid for (by property developers in the most recent scandal). Public participation is supposedly key to planning, with local authorities expected to deal with all objections within 6 to 8 weeks. However the Government Office for the North West and the regional development agency are being downsized to make them ‘smaller yet stronger’.
These agencies are there to communicate with the public and facilitate participation yet are being cut back. This shows how high on the agenda communicative action really is. Healey attempts to answer such critique by saying that CAT is more focused on understanding complexity and diversity and that although power is a huge relation it needs to be fully understood before it can be applied to the theory. Power is also not a natural occurrence but has become natural through social acceptance and embedding. To change such a thing would be a real challenge. The best way forward according to Mouffe is to find ‘forms of power more compatible with democratic values’. It’s probably the best we can hope for until Captain Picard takes us all for a ride on the Enterprise and really opens people’s eyes.
The huge problem of course is that planers and planning under modernist thought was that their utopias, whether it be garden cities or futuristic cities were planned on a clean slate, a slate whereby planning has overcome the greed and opportunism of the opposition, the irrational developers vying for land acquisition and use. By standing up to these planning has achieved the creation of an altruistic universe where personal wealth and consumerism may still exist but in much more watered down form and where humanity has come together, casting aside its differences and where anything can be achieved. Just look at star trek, humanity can only really evolve onto a higher plane and hope of interacting with and saving other species once it has learned to save itself. And herein lies the biggest criticism of modernist thought. It’s unrealistic.
In Liverpool itself the University hospital is a fine example of what has been left behind as a result of these ideals. Looking at this building in the dead of night from Prescott Street you may well be forgiven for thinking that you have just wandered into some form of post-apocalyptic landscape where visions of a dystopian future as set out in such films as Metropolis; where a cruel and unforgiving environment has been built to suppress the masses has evolved. As impressive as the building is, it is hardly becoming of a place where people go to recuperate. This is Brutalism; this is what capitalism has led to in a cheap way of constructing large buildings, but was it necessarily for the benefit of the social good? Nova Huta is one of only two specially built soviet show towns although there is a fascist equivalent in Eur, Roma. This estate is a Southern district of Krakow. There is no doubting that this town is ugly, built cheap the concrete high rises are far from welcoming. But the designs allow much open space and tellingly schools are placed so that most children in the district don’t have to cross one road to get there. This was a town that was planned and built for the well being of its inhabitants, capitalism couldn’t stop this one.
The Oregon experiment took place in 1973 on the back of huge unrest within Oregon University, Students regularly protested. It was felt that the actual buildings of the campus (inspired by Le Corbusier) didn’t help the feel of the community. The experiment aimed to set out a new planning thought whereby six principles are set down to create an organic order whereby the very people who live, work and are affected by an area are directly responsible for its design. This idea is a step further from the public participation that is so highly coveted at the moment. It can argued that the ugliness and uncaring of the architecture of the modernist approach is what led to the backlash of postmodernism. People wanted a say because they weren’t happy with what was being served up. You can’t create your own utopia and ask others to join you expecting them to be as thrilled as you are. Management theorist Locke showed us that to achieve the best results you need to treat people as individuals.
The RTPI states on its website that "It maintains the best of the past, whilst encouraging innovation in the design and development of future buildings and neighbourhoods to meet our future needs" By our, I assume the RTPI mean society as a whole. So why is then that the top ten percent of the population in Britain own half of all wealth while a third of families own no savings whatsoever, on a world wide scale it is far worse with two percent of the population owning half the wealth. Why are they also the 'royal' town plnning institute, hardly an advert for equality and community cohesion. When we look at this then we realise that no matter how planning has set out to achieve its goals of equilibrium, it has failed miserably, and continues to do so on an increasingly sliding scale. Sandercock opens the second chapter of her book Towards Cosmopolis, stating that professions as nations shape their members attitudes by rewriting history, exactly like the ministry of truth in Orwells book 1984 and much like school syllabuses tell us of the struggle against evil in world war 2 yet omit possibly the most successful ethnic cleansing operation to have ever taken place, by the British in Tasmania. Sandercock gives a good account of how planning has done the same thing, minorities cast aside and their voices not listened to. Unfortunately I will come back to the built environment and say that planning is guilty of these atrocities. I don’t believe it’s ever been there for the people as a whole but for those with the influence, the privileged few, who even with the best intentions cannot possibly build something for everyone.
Much has been lost and ground is conceded everyday. With every crap development that is allowed through a developer becomes richer, and another sub standard building dirties the skyline. The communitive action theorists are correct up to a point, no matter what the concept, thought or ideal was or is, it is not the perception of reality that is important but the actual reality. While applying for job recently, every planning job specifies that "you will be expected to work with developers to help them find appropriate sites" I understand that working with developers will be necessary at some point by why help them when their first priority is monetary profit? Why don’t the jobs specify liasing with communities or environmental groups? Maori society forbids the private ownership of land, asking the question; who has the right to take such a vital finite resource from others? Who claimed it in the first place as theirs? How? And how can they justify that? A quick look at the Times rich list shows many people who state property, development or land acquisition as their source of wealth. It’s no surprise.
‘The paradigm shift is here and the new wave seeks to escape from the strait jacket of a narrow instrumental reality’
The same idea of a society for people is jumping out at me through all planning mind sets and yet it is not being achieved. Communicative theorists see the basis of communicative operation revolving around discussion, deliberation and interaction. This isn’t a new idea, far from it. But why does it still fail?
‘Ultimately, planning theory oriented to conflict and to democratic compromise is likely to support more democratic planning practices and outcomes than an orientation to consensus’
It is this idea of consensus which comes in for some pretty heavy criticism, as it is felt that those with power make the decisions and not, as idealised, the majority decision. Look at major decisions in the UK for examples. Heathrow and Manchester runways were hugely opposed by hundreds of thousands of residents and environmental protesters. There is no doubt that the economic benefits are huge and will help the economy grow, but there it is. Power makes the decisions and money does equal power. When it comes down to it the Deputy Prime Minister has the final say, and this government as with any other, is all bought and paid for (by property developers in the most recent scandal). Public participation is supposedly key to planning, with local authorities expected to deal with all objections within 6 to 8 weeks. However the Government Office for the North West and the regional development agency are being downsized to make them ‘smaller yet stronger’.
These agencies are there to communicate with the public and facilitate participation yet are being cut back. This shows how high on the agenda communicative action really is. Healey attempts to answer such critique by saying that CAT is more focused on understanding complexity and diversity and that although power is a huge relation it needs to be fully understood before it can be applied to the theory. Power is also not a natural occurrence but has become natural through social acceptance and embedding. To change such a thing would be a real challenge. The best way forward according to Mouffe is to find ‘forms of power more compatible with democratic values’. It’s probably the best we can hope for until Captain Picard takes us all for a ride on the Enterprise and really opens people’s eyes.
Greenwashing the world down the drain
The term eco tourism was first established by a Mexican conservationist by the name of Hector Ceballos-Lascurain who revised his first quote made in 1983 which was slightly ambiguous, to the latter in 1996. Which is now given as a definition of eco tourism by the International Union for the conservation of nature (IUCN):
"Ecotourism is environmentally responsible travel and visitation to relatively undisturbed natural areas, in order to enjoy and appreciate nature (and any accompanying cultural features - both past and present) that promotes conservation, has low negative visitor impact, and provides for beneficially active socio-economic involvement of local populations".
The ICUN is the largest global environmental network, lending weight to the above definition.
Finding out about ecotourism for many people will ultimately come down to an Internet search engine. The term eco tourism itself is a relatively new concept so what exactly does it entail? What is ecotourism, how does it work and is it actually going to create a revolution in terms of holidaying and travelling whereby the fad of carbon offsetting becomes the norm, people pay for the pollution they cause and the impacts of holidaying are reduced to the point of being totally negated by either technological advances or simple lifestyle choices that shun the grandiose and luxurious.
The simple answer is no. Ecotourism is a cynical marketing tool being used increasingly upon a population of guardian readers looking to justify their whimsical and luxurious retreats to 5 star hotels on tiny Polynesian islands. This truly is a capitalist’s dream, no longer do companies and consumers need to bury their heads in the sand and turn a blind eye to the obvious and irreversible damage wreaked upon delicate and unique ecosystems. Now people can proudly argue over their mochas and extra skinny lattes about whose five thousand pound Caribbean odyssey was better for the environment, Tarquin who went and counted rare jellyfish for a day or Pipa who helped a turtle lay eggs by watching it for an hour. This might sound overly cynical but the idea of ‘ego’ tourists is not something new. Duffy (2002) believed that the new ecotourism was simply being used as a means of social positioning where people think that they are above the average imbecilic tourist. The ego tourists interviewed by Duffy were scuba diving off Belize on an ‘eco holiday’, yet none considered the effects of motorboats upon the environment or the effect of tourists upon the marine life (recent studies in the black forest show that the presence of tourists noticeably and detrimentally effects local wildlife.), not too mention the effects of flying half way around the globe in the first place.
Just how endemic this ‘green washing’ of the unjustifiable has become first becomes apparent when on an Internet search engine: type in ecotourism. The first 20 results are marketing companies who specialise in ecotourism marketing. To be fair they do come up with some interesting ecotourism marketing ideas, such as sending guests home with a gift; for example a bar of soap in the shape of something memorable about their trip.
Ecotourism as an idea and in the purest sense is not a marketing tool, nor should it be considered one. It is a mindset and a conscious personal effort to have an enjoyable holiday without causing irreversible damage to the planet, and funding the destruction of areas by staying in large hotel or holiday complexes. But this simply does not conform in a society built upon the principal of wealth accumulation and ownership. As such we must look at ecotourism as a marketing tool and see whether or not the Ecotourism organisations are actually any more environmentally friendly than those that do not use this tag. In fact the misrepresentation of eco tourism has led to organisations avoiding using the tag due to cynicism created by hypocritical use of the term.
2002 was designated year of the eco tourist by the united nations, however this provoked a hostile reaction from many eminent ecologists and environmentalists who claimed this would play into the hands of the big corporations using eco tourism as a marketing tool and worse still using the eco title to gain access to sensitive areas such companies would never be allowed to set foot in under the auspice of normal tourism.
People such as Deborah McLaren, the coordinator of Rethinking Tourism, a conservation group in America; Chee Yoke Ling, a representative of the Third World Network and Nina Rao co-chair of Tourism Caucus an African far trade NGO with links to the UN commission for sustainable development.
Its not hard to see why these complaints were lodged, post 2002 many tourism organisations such as Skal began to operate eco tourism awards, the winner of one such award was Marari Beach Resort in India. This resort boast traditional Indian fishing huts, air conditioning and swimming pools set over 9 Islands. The most popular of which is the Casino Island. This eco tourism award winner is far out of the price range of local people and being all-inclusive means they will see little benefit from its existence. And Skals main business partner? Best Western. One of the largest multi national hotel networks in the world.
Unfortunately this is a common and reoccurring theme within the minefield of eco tourism. Awards and more importantly accreditation are not necessarily a guarantee that the company is acting responsibly. The World Travel and Tourism Council (WTTC) operate a Green Globe 21 scheme, which destinations need to pay to become part of, this is however backed up by assessors who visit the resorts to asses their eco credentials. Just how strict these assessors are, or whether they exist at all would be an interesting question. Green Globe 21 accredited resorts include Sandals Dunn's River resort in Jamaica, a huge complex built around an artificial 18 hole golf course. The average golf course consumes at least 35 Million Gallons of water per year, which works out at around 2,500 Gallons per round played. Hardly what I consider to be environmentally conscious practice. And this is without taking into account what 234 en suite air conditioned rooms built on a beach does to the marine environment, nor does it take into account the costs of getting to Jamaica by air.
Certainly there is much good to come of a more socially aware public who believe in helping the planet, and eco tourism itself should surely be welcomed. The unfortunate problem we have at the moment is that the term has simply been hijacked by businesses using it to make more money. The other issue relates to the holidaymakers themselves. For all people say, when studied they really aren’t thinking about the consequences of their actions at all. Sharpley suggests that tourism is escapist and people pay money to be entertained, so they are more likely to give priority to serve their self-interests above those of the environment. This is what Duffy experienced in practice. The potential is huge, but the issue still remains, when are people going to take responsibility for their actions.
"Ecotourism is environmentally responsible travel and visitation to relatively undisturbed natural areas, in order to enjoy and appreciate nature (and any accompanying cultural features - both past and present) that promotes conservation, has low negative visitor impact, and provides for beneficially active socio-economic involvement of local populations".
The ICUN is the largest global environmental network, lending weight to the above definition.
Finding out about ecotourism for many people will ultimately come down to an Internet search engine. The term eco tourism itself is a relatively new concept so what exactly does it entail? What is ecotourism, how does it work and is it actually going to create a revolution in terms of holidaying and travelling whereby the fad of carbon offsetting becomes the norm, people pay for the pollution they cause and the impacts of holidaying are reduced to the point of being totally negated by either technological advances or simple lifestyle choices that shun the grandiose and luxurious.
The simple answer is no. Ecotourism is a cynical marketing tool being used increasingly upon a population of guardian readers looking to justify their whimsical and luxurious retreats to 5 star hotels on tiny Polynesian islands. This truly is a capitalist’s dream, no longer do companies and consumers need to bury their heads in the sand and turn a blind eye to the obvious and irreversible damage wreaked upon delicate and unique ecosystems. Now people can proudly argue over their mochas and extra skinny lattes about whose five thousand pound Caribbean odyssey was better for the environment, Tarquin who went and counted rare jellyfish for a day or Pipa who helped a turtle lay eggs by watching it for an hour. This might sound overly cynical but the idea of ‘ego’ tourists is not something new. Duffy (2002) believed that the new ecotourism was simply being used as a means of social positioning where people think that they are above the average imbecilic tourist. The ego tourists interviewed by Duffy were scuba diving off Belize on an ‘eco holiday’, yet none considered the effects of motorboats upon the environment or the effect of tourists upon the marine life (recent studies in the black forest show that the presence of tourists noticeably and detrimentally effects local wildlife.), not too mention the effects of flying half way around the globe in the first place.
Just how endemic this ‘green washing’ of the unjustifiable has become first becomes apparent when on an Internet search engine: type in ecotourism. The first 20 results are marketing companies who specialise in ecotourism marketing. To be fair they do come up with some interesting ecotourism marketing ideas, such as sending guests home with a gift; for example a bar of soap in the shape of something memorable about their trip.
Ecotourism as an idea and in the purest sense is not a marketing tool, nor should it be considered one. It is a mindset and a conscious personal effort to have an enjoyable holiday without causing irreversible damage to the planet, and funding the destruction of areas by staying in large hotel or holiday complexes. But this simply does not conform in a society built upon the principal of wealth accumulation and ownership. As such we must look at ecotourism as a marketing tool and see whether or not the Ecotourism organisations are actually any more environmentally friendly than those that do not use this tag. In fact the misrepresentation of eco tourism has led to organisations avoiding using the tag due to cynicism created by hypocritical use of the term.
2002 was designated year of the eco tourist by the united nations, however this provoked a hostile reaction from many eminent ecologists and environmentalists who claimed this would play into the hands of the big corporations using eco tourism as a marketing tool and worse still using the eco title to gain access to sensitive areas such companies would never be allowed to set foot in under the auspice of normal tourism.
People such as Deborah McLaren, the coordinator of Rethinking Tourism, a conservation group in America; Chee Yoke Ling, a representative of the Third World Network and Nina Rao co-chair of Tourism Caucus an African far trade NGO with links to the UN commission for sustainable development.
Its not hard to see why these complaints were lodged, post 2002 many tourism organisations such as Skal began to operate eco tourism awards, the winner of one such award was Marari Beach Resort in India. This resort boast traditional Indian fishing huts, air conditioning and swimming pools set over 9 Islands. The most popular of which is the Casino Island. This eco tourism award winner is far out of the price range of local people and being all-inclusive means they will see little benefit from its existence. And Skals main business partner? Best Western. One of the largest multi national hotel networks in the world.
Unfortunately this is a common and reoccurring theme within the minefield of eco tourism. Awards and more importantly accreditation are not necessarily a guarantee that the company is acting responsibly. The World Travel and Tourism Council (WTTC) operate a Green Globe 21 scheme, which destinations need to pay to become part of, this is however backed up by assessors who visit the resorts to asses their eco credentials. Just how strict these assessors are, or whether they exist at all would be an interesting question. Green Globe 21 accredited resorts include Sandals Dunn's River resort in Jamaica, a huge complex built around an artificial 18 hole golf course. The average golf course consumes at least 35 Million Gallons of water per year, which works out at around 2,500 Gallons per round played. Hardly what I consider to be environmentally conscious practice. And this is without taking into account what 234 en suite air conditioned rooms built on a beach does to the marine environment, nor does it take into account the costs of getting to Jamaica by air.
Certainly there is much good to come of a more socially aware public who believe in helping the planet, and eco tourism itself should surely be welcomed. The unfortunate problem we have at the moment is that the term has simply been hijacked by businesses using it to make more money. The other issue relates to the holidaymakers themselves. For all people say, when studied they really aren’t thinking about the consequences of their actions at all. Sharpley suggests that tourism is escapist and people pay money to be entertained, so they are more likely to give priority to serve their self-interests above those of the environment. This is what Duffy experienced in practice. The potential is huge, but the issue still remains, when are people going to take responsibility for their actions.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Chinese pollution concerns force crack down on gas guzzlers
A 14-year-old Chinese fan of the Transformer movies has been drinking gasoline for five years in an attempt to "become a valiant fighter" like his hero Optimus Prime, Chinese media said on Monday.
"He started drinking gasoline about five years ago, when we first discovered he enjoyed smelling lighter fuel," Xinhua said citing a local newspaper report.
At the age of nine the boy from the southwestern Chinese city of Yibin began stealing lighters from his mother's grocery stall. After discovering that their son had drunk half a bottle of gasoline from the fuel tank of the family motorcycle "to obtain energy," the worried parents locked the vehicle away.
The boy, however, started emptying the fuel tanks of cars in the neighborhood, gradually increasing the amount of consumed fuel to two or three bottles each day. His concerned family has sought medical advice and a doctor diagnosed the child with a serious mental disorder and "petrol addiction."
"Since my son began drinking fuel, his IQ has dropped sharply and now he can't figure out addition and subtraction within 100," the father told West China Metropolis Daily. "Before that, he was a very smart boy, and he could even repair the television. But now he does not know the answer of 7 plus 17."
"He started drinking gasoline about five years ago, when we first discovered he enjoyed smelling lighter fuel," Xinhua said citing a local newspaper report.
At the age of nine the boy from the southwestern Chinese city of Yibin began stealing lighters from his mother's grocery stall. After discovering that their son had drunk half a bottle of gasoline from the fuel tank of the family motorcycle "to obtain energy," the worried parents locked the vehicle away.
The boy, however, started emptying the fuel tanks of cars in the neighborhood, gradually increasing the amount of consumed fuel to two or three bottles each day. His concerned family has sought medical advice and a doctor diagnosed the child with a serious mental disorder and "petrol addiction."
"Since my son began drinking fuel, his IQ has dropped sharply and now he can't figure out addition and subtraction within 100," the father told West China Metropolis Daily. "Before that, he was a very smart boy, and he could even repair the television. But now he does not know the answer of 7 plus 17."
New budget punishes smokers
A U.S. man has discovered that he was charged more than $23 quadrillion for a pack of cigarettes that he bought at a filling station using his Visa card, WMUR-TV (US) reported on Wednesday 15/07/09.
When his checked his online bank account, Josh Muszynski discovered that he was $23,148,855,308,184,500 ($23,148 trillion) in the red.
"I thought my card had been compromised. I thought somebody had bought Europe with my credit card," he said.
Muszynski turned to the sales assistant at the store, but "she said she couldn't help me at all. She didn't know anything about it," he explained.
He then phoned the Bank of America to find out where the mysterious string of numbers on his account had come from. After two hours on the phone to the bank, a representative still had no explanation, but assured Muszynski that his statement would be corrected.
Some 24 hours later the huge negative balance on his account was reversed back to normal.
When his checked his online bank account, Josh Muszynski discovered that he was $23,148,855,308,184,500 ($23,148 trillion) in the red.
"I thought my card had been compromised. I thought somebody had bought Europe with my credit card," he said.
Muszynski turned to the sales assistant at the store, but "she said she couldn't help me at all. She didn't know anything about it," he explained.
He then phoned the Bank of America to find out where the mysterious string of numbers on his account had come from. After two hours on the phone to the bank, a representative still had no explanation, but assured Muszynski that his statement would be corrected.
Some 24 hours later the huge negative balance on his account was reversed back to normal.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Sky sports exclusive from Football Manager 2007
This week on sky sports news +1 we take a look behind the scenes at clubs close to all our hearts, because we really know how you feel. This week, take a look at the fortunes of our lower league virtual manager with some profound results.
Here with the exclusive is our roving reporter S. J. Tomlinson.
Dr Kiddy has completed 1 calendar year at the helm of good ship Altrincham and we've been lucky enough to get access into the bowels of Moss Lame .Altrincham blew away all expectations this year to finish 22nd, 2 places above bottom, with 40 points. Many feel that whilst relegation is an annoyance, all it really represents its Dr Kiddys love of taking Alty on the road, to pastures new, spreading his seed and disease.
Alty had a rough sort of season, scoring the least (38) and conceding 98 goals (the most), 2 short of the golden ton, "maybe next year, eh!?", Kiddy postulated. But they gave as good as they got, for certain. Alty blew the record books to bits as they collected no fewer than 79 yellows and 19 red cards. Eddie Hussin, proud owner of 3 red cards in 14 starts,argued "if the league is full of pricks what need crocking, fuck em". Mr Hussin was allowed to leave Moss Lane in the summer.
Dr Kiddy certainly has made a name for himself as the 'Pol-Pot of non-league'. His no nonsense appoach to man management has turned Moss Lane into the footballing equivalent of the Killing Fields, dropping the axe on 24 players in the summer. "they were fucking useless at the end of the day". Sage words form the man in charge. "signed some sexy bastards tho". Dr Kiddy wouldbe referring to 18 year old prodigy Ben Kumi, a Ghanaian spring signing who achieved a brain melting average of 6.4 in 11 games at the end of the season, easily Altys best player, "fucking ace,i am ace, feel my weight, me mam's got me tea on and me dog thinks this is my best life choice". Remarkable young man.
We caught up with Player of the Year, top scorer and General good guy Rod Thornley who smashed 8 league goals for The Robins, in 1 season!! we asked how it felt to be so prolific,"got any spare change?" Funny old Roddy.
Many players did indeed take a (forced) pay cut as a result of relegation as the wage bill plunges to a limit of 5k a week, but the board are not tight! no sir, Dr Kiddyhas been given a war chest of 0 pounds this year to turn it around, "what the fuck is going on?", our thoughts mirrored by Dr Kiddy there, who knows where Alty got that kind of cash from.
So, a season of ups (3-3 away at Southport!) and downs (a 0-8 close home loss to Grays, alty ending with 8 men), lefts and rights and lots of spinning around. Colin Little has resigned for 120quid a week, less than a third than what he was on when allowed to leave to Rushden, his apparent love for the club shining through, "i thought i was getting a job as a bin man". Maybe you are son, maybe you are.
Well, Alty go to Lancaster away first game up, lets see if they can tear it up. Dr Kiddy obviously thinks so " i hope im dead by Christmas". Keep reading folks.
Here with the exclusive is our roving reporter S. J. Tomlinson.
Dr Kiddy has completed 1 calendar year at the helm of good ship Altrincham and we've been lucky enough to get access into the bowels of Moss Lame .Altrincham blew away all expectations this year to finish 22nd, 2 places above bottom, with 40 points. Many feel that whilst relegation is an annoyance, all it really represents its Dr Kiddys love of taking Alty on the road, to pastures new, spreading his seed and disease.
Alty had a rough sort of season, scoring the least (38) and conceding 98 goals (the most), 2 short of the golden ton, "maybe next year, eh!?", Kiddy postulated. But they gave as good as they got, for certain. Alty blew the record books to bits as they collected no fewer than 79 yellows and 19 red cards. Eddie Hussin, proud owner of 3 red cards in 14 starts,argued "if the league is full of pricks what need crocking, fuck em". Mr Hussin was allowed to leave Moss Lane in the summer.
Dr Kiddy certainly has made a name for himself as the 'Pol-Pot of non-league'. His no nonsense appoach to man management has turned Moss Lane into the footballing equivalent of the Killing Fields, dropping the axe on 24 players in the summer. "they were fucking useless at the end of the day". Sage words form the man in charge. "signed some sexy bastards tho". Dr Kiddy wouldbe referring to 18 year old prodigy Ben Kumi, a Ghanaian spring signing who achieved a brain melting average of 6.4 in 11 games at the end of the season, easily Altys best player, "fucking ace,i am ace, feel my weight, me mam's got me tea on and me dog thinks this is my best life choice". Remarkable young man.
We caught up with Player of the Year, top scorer and General good guy Rod Thornley who smashed 8 league goals for The Robins, in 1 season!! we asked how it felt to be so prolific,"got any spare change?" Funny old Roddy.
Many players did indeed take a (forced) pay cut as a result of relegation as the wage bill plunges to a limit of 5k a week, but the board are not tight! no sir, Dr Kiddyhas been given a war chest of 0 pounds this year to turn it around, "what the fuck is going on?", our thoughts mirrored by Dr Kiddy there, who knows where Alty got that kind of cash from.
So, a season of ups (3-3 away at Southport!) and downs (a 0-8 close home loss to Grays, alty ending with 8 men), lefts and rights and lots of spinning around. Colin Little has resigned for 120quid a week, less than a third than what he was on when allowed to leave to Rushden, his apparent love for the club shining through, "i thought i was getting a job as a bin man". Maybe you are son, maybe you are.
Well, Alty go to Lancaster away first game up, lets see if they can tear it up. Dr Kiddy obviously thinks so " i hope im dead by Christmas". Keep reading folks.
Comeback for 90's TV hero?
Gazza pissed on national radio a few months back and claims he doesn’t have a problem.
I think that’s a lesson for us all.
Anyway let’s do away with all these fucking none entity smug bastards who seem to be on every single fucking TV station right now.
My undercard would be as follows,
Chris Moyles
Ferne cotton
building up to Jonathan Ross
Then the final big fight live, Noel fucking Edmonds.
The BBC is to blame for this shower of talentless brain-dead morons soiling my eyes and ears despite my best efforts to flick through the plague of channels that the digital revolution has blessed us with. From time to time freezing, leaving a big portrait of some null and void complete with shit eating grin as if to hammer home the point that these barely literate half wits are the voice of a nation. The crème de la crème of communication through this sexy medium of digital. People we should be idolising, those who’ve made it in the big time, and who quite rightly have a soap box from which to preach.
Said celebrity enters a circular room, large enough to run but nowhere to hide. Strange multicoloured poker dots on the walls....
Drum roll. enter MR BLOBBY tooled up with a large cutthroat razor, he starts doing his blobby blobby blobby carry on and chases them around slicing a bit off at a time, dragging it out as only he could, back in his prime when TV heros were made of sterner stuff than the converyor belt of mental illness paraded by reality television nowadays. All this is much to the absolute hilarity to the PPV subscribers. Just imagine, just imagine. Edmonds deserves no less. The irony, the people of Morecambe would finally have their moneys worth.
I was reading a book the other day, going on about infinity theories, whereby if the universe is infinite then by definition there are infinite worlds with infinite actions occurring, which means that somewhere this is already happening anyway.
I think that’s a lesson for us all.
Anyway let’s do away with all these fucking none entity smug bastards who seem to be on every single fucking TV station right now.
My undercard would be as follows,
Chris Moyles
Ferne cotton
building up to Jonathan Ross
Then the final big fight live, Noel fucking Edmonds.
The BBC is to blame for this shower of talentless brain-dead morons soiling my eyes and ears despite my best efforts to flick through the plague of channels that the digital revolution has blessed us with. From time to time freezing, leaving a big portrait of some null and void complete with shit eating grin as if to hammer home the point that these barely literate half wits are the voice of a nation. The crème de la crème of communication through this sexy medium of digital. People we should be idolising, those who’ve made it in the big time, and who quite rightly have a soap box from which to preach.
Said celebrity enters a circular room, large enough to run but nowhere to hide. Strange multicoloured poker dots on the walls....
Drum roll. enter MR BLOBBY tooled up with a large cutthroat razor, he starts doing his blobby blobby blobby carry on and chases them around slicing a bit off at a time, dragging it out as only he could, back in his prime when TV heros were made of sterner stuff than the converyor belt of mental illness paraded by reality television nowadays. All this is much to the absolute hilarity to the PPV subscribers. Just imagine, just imagine. Edmonds deserves no less. The irony, the people of Morecambe would finally have their moneys worth.
I was reading a book the other day, going on about infinity theories, whereby if the universe is infinite then by definition there are infinite worlds with infinite actions occurring, which means that somewhere this is already happening anyway.
The news is the news. Welcome to the newsage.
"Sky sports news have just introduced new music to their program, somehow its even more dramatic than the last tune they had. To commemorate the changing of the guard so to speak, they were alternating between them all afternoon, I thought the world was ending! " (S, J, Tomlinson. Alty)
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